Tuesday, December 02, 2008
A Hero and a Villain
(An excerpt from the end of my original Essay I chose not to pursue)"Hearing "life is pain" come from her mouth broke my heart in such a way it's hard to describe. Such a sweet, caring person deserves better. Knowing that I, at some point, caused her pain, makes me feel helpless at the moment to try and give her better, even if i only have the chance to do so as a friend. Knowing that my issues caused her a piece of that pain is exactly what set this train of thought into motion and led me to a breakthrough. She did not deserve the impact of my issues. She deserved my trust, and had I placed it in her from the start, I wouldnt have caused her to be hurt at my hand. The importance of our friendship to me is the very thing that drew clarity to what God was doing in all of these hardships to salvage my life and show me how to start living right. Not just for her friendship, but for all of my relationships. Family, friends, and future romantic interests. I, as well as everyone, has the spirit of God within them. Therefore, we all have a huge potential to be very loving, understanding, humble, and intelligent people. My love is so deep and wide for my friends and family, they deserve nothing less than me living to that potential so they can see and believe just how deep and wide my love is. Using past tradgedies to create excuses to let them feel the impact of my issues shows only love for myself. It shows selfishness, not love. My neglect in properly dealing with past issues should not be someone else's burden to bear. At the time I wanted them to understand. I realize now I wanted them to understand so I could continue, and be justified in, my destructive way of acting through my issues while having their acceptance. I realize now, they resisted not only to protect themselves, but to try and break the cycle for my own good."
It's so clear now how my insecurities became a catalyst to blame everyone else for my pain.
My point to the blog before was going to be duality. It was huge, and excruciatingly long. But I realized that, by continuing to dwell on and analyze those issues, I was making an agreement within myself to continue making excuses for them and accept them. While they are full of emotion, which is beautiful, I have realized now more than ever how these issues enable me to hurt people I love and feel justified in doing so. This is my greatest barrier. Shutting off the path where our emotions are supposed to connect. I refuse to accept these issues anymore. I want to claim the responsibility of my own hapiness.
I'm almost in disbelief as all this clarity is coming to me on two hours of sleep and an exhausting day of anxiety. The 40 days and 40 nights Jesus spent in the desert comes to mind. Being fully rested gives strength to keep finding excuses to feel justified in acting through my issues. Being exhausted by recent events and lack of rest from anxiety, I am left with only enough energy to see the basics. My mind can no longer find all these complex paths to justify my dysfunctional thoughts. A blessing in disguise, as it shows me how God has never left me through all of this, and how he used these situations and exhaustion to create an opportunity for my mind to see clearly. He has also shown me clarity through things very familiar, such as a movie. Although I never made the connection before.
It's going to sound corny and cheesy at first but I promise if you stick with it, it will prove to have a lot of depth, and when you remove certain aspects and read into the metaphors, we all relate very well to pieces of every character. The movie that helped me see a lot of clarity in understanding and resolving my issues was Spiderman 3. Dont close the page! Hear me out, I promise you wont be dissapointed. If you are, you can tear me apart in the comments section. I don't mind.
First, think of issues as a catalyst to create their super powers, and dont think of the super powers in a literal sense. Think of them as the ability we never knew we had to do incredible good or bad depending on the choices we make with them. Sometimes they seem to fall out of the sky and infect us, much like the spider that bit Peter, or in the case of this particular movie, the symbiote that, again, fell from the sky, and leeched off of him. Other times, the path of our life creates them over time, like The Sandman, and his need for money to save his daughter's life. Running from our biggest issues out of fear of the consequences can create some of the biggest villains out of us, even with good intentions. Over time, it completely redesigns your mind and heart, and you become capable of doing many things, good and bad, you never could before. We see this when The Sandman is running from the police, a by-product of his initial issue, and as he falls in a hole running from it, his entire physical makeup is redesigned (much as your mental make up is) by the occupant of that hole. Think of the machine as years of depression. The choices you make in the eye of the storm are what define whether your actions are good or bad, regardless of the intentions. Now look at Harry, Peter's best friend, and, in this movie, his biggest enemy. His issues were passed down by family, and in the confusion of his father's suicide, he accuses Peter of killing him. In the midst of all his pain and confusion, his will to hurt ends up causing a traumatic experience. Peter, knowing that Harry is acting through his issues and being forced to defend himself, ends up hurting him badly, and forces him to repress the issues temporarily, though in the movie, it is displayed as a concussion that creates memory loss.
Traumatic experiences repress our issues, however, they will always resurface. As harry abuses alcohol, his repressed, forgotten issues come running back. Think of the symbiote that fell from the sky in a meteorite as Peter's unresolved issue of being responsible for not stopping the man who killed his uncle. He resolves it in an earlier movie by killing the man he thought was responsible. However, such an unhealthy resolution does not permanently mend his hurt. As he learns that Marco (sandman) was the real killer, the issue comes creeping back, unaware for some time that it's even there. As he discovers it's presence, he remembers the comfort of the issue, and how good it feels to no longer care about hurting people because of the pain you hold inside, or in his case, wear on the outside. Life issues will consume if you agree to let them. Using pity and causing hurt as a tool to make someone feel how you feel is dangerous because they may very well see through and create their own barrier that shoves it right back into you. They still do not relate, and now you have twice the pain. When Harry throws a bomb at Peter, he throws it back, and it blows up in his face, and creates a permanent scar. The difference between this and the fight that caused his concussion, is that in this instance, their issues were colliding, which is most often what creates the deepest scars. Much like Peter and Harry, when we force our issues on other people, it can create some of our biggest enemies. Peter humiliates Brock while acting through his issues, and as he finds a way to shed himself of the symbiote, it is passed directly to Brock, and his goal becomes to hurt Peter the same way he hurt him, using the same issue as ammunition. It's a dangerous game. I recently realized this about myself.
Achieving acceptance through pity and hurt does not show integrity or strength. It displays weakness and desperation. You owe yourself enough respect as a cognitive human being to share life and relationships with people who love you, not who feel sorry for you. I always knew this, but staring at yourself doing it for so long unaware that you were even doing it until someone turns on the light in front of the mirror reveals so much that, for once, I didnt feel sorry for myself. I was driven to take action in my own life in order to be someone I could trust in and who could trust in God and in his power and control over everything I do and interact with.
We are the only heroes that exist. Only we can save ourselves when we fail. Peter sought revenge because he couldnt forgive himself. He had the will to hurt another to inflict on them the pain he feels because of his own unresolved issue. Peter's inability to forgive himself for his mistakes drives him to make more. This seems to be a general theme with all of the characters. Peter and Harry were best friends, and their passion to hurt each other based on the hurt caused was much stronger because of their strong feelings for each other. The people you love dissapoint you the most when they do something that hurts you. Amidst the issues, we sometimes see glimpses of our ugliness and the wrong in our ways, but our issues allow us to justify it, and almost like it. As Peter thinks he has killed Marco, he catches himself in a mirror. At first, he is surprised at where his intentions have gone and his ability to commit such an act. However, just as quickly, he decides to wear it well, and combs his hair down in front of his face. He has accepted the issue and almost enjoys being able to inflict pain.This allows him to continue making the mistakes. Eventually, we lose ourselves altogether, and we dont even know who we are anymore. We see this in the jazz club where M.J. is working, and as he is fighting off everyone, he fights off the one person he cared about more than anything, M.J. He no longer knows who he is, because his issues (the symbiote) are controlling his every thought. He becomes capable of hurting the person he loves the most.
The choices we make to survive are what define our character. "We can always choose to do what's right." Villains and Heroes alike have good and bad intentions and decisions, which define whether they are heroic or villainous. The truth is we relate to them all because potentially, there is a hero and a villain inside all of us.
Our issues, however different, cause confusion which leads to anger and pain, and amidst the confusion can lead you to seek vengeance so the person seeming to hurt you can be just as hurt. This becomes increasingly detrimental to your relationships when you hurt someone completely innocent of your issues, because you're acting through your issues. Sometimes it takes the need of a mutual friend, and an outside perspective from someone we trust for us to find clarity and the original point of our good intentions. As M.J. is in trouble, Peter needs Harry's help, he declines, but as the butler explains his Father's suicide, he finds forgiveness and sees his mistakes, and comes to their aid. Sometimes we see how a lack of trust and closed ears prevent us from understanding and resolving the issue. This is further displayed as Marco explains to Peter the circumstances of his Uncle's murder. Peter is finally able to forgive himself, which leads to his forgiveness of Marco. Situations in life are rarely as they seem, and a trust issue often creates issues out of anything that revolves around trust. M.J. leaves Peter to protect him from Harry. Harry's assumption of Peter killing his father. Peter not only killing the wrong man over his uncle's murder, but completely mis-judging the entire situation. All these are examples of things not being as they seem and how our issues and will to knowledge can completely twist our perspective.
No matter how quickly you realize the hurt you've wrongly inflicted, apologies soon wear thin when the process is continually repeated. Finding yourself to prevent hurting them in the future is the only way to prove your sincerity and truly recieve forgiveness. The only chance we have to mend the hurt we've done is finding our hearts and finding who we truly are inside and revisiting our issues in order to find who we were before they began infecting our thoughts and actions as well as embracing the good in us, and showing humility in the process. This leads us to forgive ourselves, which is the most important step. I would be lying if i said I didnt cry when I finally analyzed and understood the metaphors of this movie and heard Aunt Mae's speech to Peter after he explains to her how he hurt M.J.: "You start by doing the hardest thing, you forgive yourself. I believe in you Peter. You're a good person, and I know you will find a way to put it right...In time"
The reason this movie, and the trilogy as a whole, was such a big hit is because when you remove the super power aspect of the movie, there is still a great story behind it and if we look into the metaphors of the situations, we identify with every character. We all make choices, hundreds if not thousands of them every day. We have all made good ones, and bad ones, and we have all let issues effect them, whether it be in a good or bad way.
I'm not saying someone who has been through a traumatic experience or experiences doesnt have a reason to act through issues. However, after years and years, those reasons become excuses to neglect dealing with those issues, and they begin to stack and amplify new ones that come about. Your loved ones will only feel hurt as all they can see is how selfish it seems that you wont deal with your issues even to salvage the relationship. Repression is a neccesary tool. It is a gift from god. However, just as with any gift from god, you have to seek his wisdom in when and how to use it. You have to think of it as a temporary relief to keep yourself from letting the people you love feel the impact of your issues. Think of it as a makeshift tourniquet. A piece of cloth you tie tightly close to a wound to seperate it from your heart to keep from bleeding to death on the people around you. Eventually, you have to mend the wound. Repression can not last forever and the infection of an open wound will quickly spread. Repression should not be used as a permanent mend, but as a temporary relief to save yourself and your relationships. On another level though, I have to slightly negate myself. Trying to shut off emotions is like trying to drape a thin sheet full of tiny holes over a spotlight. Your true colors will always shine through, only worse, it will only shine little pieces and confuse everyone including yourself. In my opinion, god gave us every emotion you contain, even those viewed as negative. They are beautiful, and no emotion is negative at it's beginning. What makes them negative is how you decide to use it. When you feel an emotion you think is negative, you are being tested. There are two strong forces watching, and they want opposite reactions. God does not want you to ignore these emotions. He wants you to make good decisions with them. Decisions that will help you maintain a healthy heart.
When your heart is broken and you don't allow god to mend it, the stagnant air in the crevice deteriorates the two pieces and it becomes brittle, and everytime you are hurt, it begins to shatter. The years of neglected issues becomes a river of pain that flows through the empty spaces and controls all of your thoughts and intentions. When you try to use your heart amidst the pain, it erodes slowly at the pieces still intact and has a tendency to use those pieces of your heart mixed with the pain to make good intentions go very wrong. Misplaced convictions can create the most fierce monsters and turn good intentions into destructive forces. Eventually the pain will wash away everything until the space where your heart was becomes a big ball of pain, and mere remnants are the only thing left. Take the physical heart for example, when you keep feeding your body unhealthy food, the unhealthy ingredients build up in your circulatory system and eventually to your heart and begin to seep in and close it off. The heart can no longer function, and results in major surgery or death, much like your true self has died with a heart full of pain. The walking dead. The difference is, it's never too late to let God be your surgeon, even after you've completely lost yourself.
I know that some view religion and spirituality as a crutch, or a drug, or an escape, and that using it to fix your issues is just as dysfunctional as never dealing with them. I relate well as I have thought it quite often. I find it ironic, but no coincidence, that those thoughts and that process is the very thing that has made me hold onto them for so long. I've come to believe if I live my convictions of faith and heal my wounds and issues and seek hapiness through my faith and love and trust in God the only thing I have to lose is something I am happy to lose, and that is an eternity in hell.
Below is some poetry that best describes my feelings over the last few months. "Sorry's" is the only one written recently, and my feelings have changed a lot since I wrote it. The others were written quite some time ago, but involved similar situations...part of what led me to see the cyclic order of my neglected issues. Below the poetry are the positive notes from the essay on duality I chose not to post. They were much shorter than the negative notes, so you can imagine how long it was. They are listed, no transitions, it is important to me however, that they be read. They are just as important as this blog, I just didnt know how to fit them in and also didnt wanna kill people or lose people with an essay that looked like a book. Take your time with them if need be, but please check em out.
A Healthy Heart
Have you ever been so sick of yourself
its like all you needed was someone else
accountability could cure your addictions
but who's responsible for your convictions
romantic interest could change my intentions
lead me down a path of intelligent decisions
but who wants the parental responsibility
my love and respect has to come from within me
from the start
a healthy heart
attracts the same
I am to blame
for my discontent
they are not blind to my love
but observant of my intent
seeking an excuse to repent
my love and respect has to come from within
i must become exactly what I want from them
The Beaten Path
if you ever feel like giving up on me
take a ticket, its your number, prepare your bags to leave
there's a well traveled path and it leads
from my broken heart to whatever it is you need
that I cant provide
that you cant confide in
as time flies by it becomes harder to define
why someone to love is so hard to find in
my world
my lovely lonely disgusting world
in the midst of my weakness
how do i conjure such strength
with arms that could span to embrace the world
why do i hold them at such lengths
Duality
This gauntlet of acceptance has me evading identity
losing who I was and am to smooth the rigidity
purging pride and shame alike to reclaim my anonimity
while simultaneously fighting an opposite battle to define my pride and shine imminently
This duality has become an exponential nightmare
I am everything and everyone and nothing and no one
exhaustion is inevitable and will subtly wear
on my integrity, personality, and soon no one will be there
but the vultures of this who feed
are building walls that bleed
the demons that feed off selling your soul for acceptance
are building your cell to ensure you can't breathe
If i could tear down the walls
and disarm all the halls
I would paint them in sunshine and plaid
Falling for a friend
Ignoring all the voices
forcing out of me the choices
exploring all the possibilities
imploring you to see
these voices, they mean nothing
the choices always count for something
afraid I'll never see the end
of falling for a friend
feels like a million tiny needles
not stabbing, but scraping
reminding me we are feeble
not grasping, but taking
the innocence in the making
taking what should not be mine
the ignorance we're both faking
making this a lie
falling for a friendit is the end
the happiness descends
falling for you wasnt meant to be this way
it leaves me cold and blank
dumbfounded with a lie
long before i had to decide
this was important to me
but not as much as this
a friendship lasts forever
but right now this
I thought I was lonely
I was wrong because this
I thought I needed more
from you but this
this is the end
of falling for a friend
never let your feelings smother
a friendship like this
I never wanted this
hapiness has reached descent
falling for a friend
it is the end
(part 2)
intoxication for a friend
I'd trade that moment in time
for any body bearing limb
insensitive and unkind
I can pray but angels can't turn back time
they can only use the present to mend
but with ears tightly shut, the angels dont lie
I'll never let you hear me scream again, because i know you wont bend
I can pray
but angels cant tell a lie
the wounds of my failure
will only heal with time
if I could trade that moment in time
for any body bearing limb
my toungue would be removed
so i could never make that mistake again
Complicated
If we decide our fate
if we are free without debate
if we've been given reason to relate
why is the world chained to hate
as if a slave, they use and abuse
feed and augment to project ignorant views
oppressed and depraved by the insufficient news
broken media, broken people, broken world
but i refuse
to shut my eyes and cover my ears
while you send people to kill and die over false exaggerated fears
will you alone console thousands of families and catch all their tears
when their sons and daughters die for your fabricated, anxious, over-zealous, gut instinct "idears"?
this world requires over-analysis to simplify
this world sees me complicating, I see them complicated
this world mocks me for using thought to it's potential
I see a solution so simple
but their will to power, greed, and ignorant hate is so damn complicated
if we've been given reason to relate
why do we continue to complicate our hate
this world is broken
but im shatter resistant
Sorry's
I dont know how to be myself
I dont know how to be anyone else
I dont know how to please, compliment or tease
but im really good at killing things
so sick of all the sorry's
but i dont know how to make things right
so sick of all the feelings
that im not even worth a friendship
right now
im sorry im not sorry anymore
i was sorry for wanting more
but as our colors shine and mesh i can see
the reflection of why im nothing more
right now
all i wanted was a closer friend
and im sorry I lost the energy
but feeling worthless as a grown ass man
quickly drains my will to proceed
right now
im sorry im not sorry anymore
im thankful if nothing more
for being shot down to where i should be
looking up at how much you're too good for me
right now
im sorry the words keep flowing to you
from my mouth, im sorry I adore you
im sorry i trust you more than anyone else
im sorry I feel your better than everyone else
right now
i could handle friends and nothing more
so im sorry im not sorry anymore
There is a fine line between being self aware and insecure. Being self aware should lead to self improvement. Insecurities lead to finding excuses to blame everyone else for your negative qualities. Self esteem plays a huge roll in which side of that line you end up on. Ironically, and almost insanely, the worse your self esteem, the more you tend to blame other people, unaware that it's even happening. Denial at it's best.
An intelligent mind with a huge capacity for duality and a dash of paranoia can create opinions and blame and entire situations that are, in reality, much to the contrare. Things are rarely as they seem to begin with. Knowing this and trying to have the knowledge of god in order to see everything without veil and to attempt to control it actually disguises the situation even more. In my opinion, this is god trying to remind you that there is a time, which comes more often than we think, to step back, trust him, and focus your mind on more productive things.
I've never felt such progress and openness and awareness about who I am and who another person is out of a single conversation. The only thing more I could have asked for is something only i had control over, and that was better circumstances for the conversation. nevertheless, she did have the conversation with me. This is why I consider her one of my most valuable friends. I think everyone should have as many of these as possible. People you can just talk to about life and love and god, but instead of arguing opinions, relating to and learning from one another. In my opinion, that is the best way to reach the most enlightenment about life, love, god, and who we are as people, united. Her insight into who I really was despite all my issues on the surface is the only thing that saved our friendship, and possibly me wasting more of my life blind and unaware of who I really am because I always drive the people I should trust the most away because I won't mend my heart and resolve my neglected issues. Her perseverance is the main catalyst in my breakthrough. I am so grateful and thank God he blessed me with such an awesome person in my life in a time when I needed it most. All this time I thought I was analyzing and dwelling to find the truth. In reality, it was to ignore the truth. The whole situation has reaffirmed my belief that things are not always as they seem, and thinking too much and being paranoid only worsens your perspective and therefore your ability to view a situation clearly.
It's amazing to watch fate happen. How one or two minor occurences, seconds of time, can completely flip a situation and sometimes turn horrible things into extremely good ones. I write this in tears, as God has suddenly shown me how he answered all my begging for something to come and help me make sense of it all so i could really start living life. It is truly amazing to look back and see how everything is woven to create an immaculate masterpiece. Had I not experienced all that I have, the tradgedies, the heartaches, the struggles, the addictions, I would have never seen things as clearly as I do now, and would still be under the veil of the institution of modernized christianity.
Searching for the meaning of our life and of the situations in our life is the very thing that twists our perspective of God and of his intentions. The path to clarity is not information, it is faith. This is why I dont believe in denominations. They have clouded God's intentions by trying to utterly define them, rather than having faith in his guidance. As humans, it is absurd to think we can fully understand God's plan and intentions. When we search too deep and obsess over knowledge we werent meant to know in a world full of hate, anger, and desperation, we most often arrive at the worst possible conclusion. This lack of faith in God's plan is ironically the very thing that diminishes any faith we might have had. His counterpart is clever, and while I firmly believe we can never grasp God's plan fully, because it negates faith, I do believe we can completely understand the works of evil against us if we think, have faith, and keep our eyes wide open for clarity, and tightly shut for prayer.
"You are never a great man when you have more mind than heart" -Beauchene
Jesus spoke of true life in metaphors and seemingly unmeaningful stories. Sometimes we find the most truth where there seems to be none. Some things in life we were not meant to be certain about, and sometimes, that draws the best clarity to a situation.
Although it can be hurtful watching someone you appreciate so much push away from you for reasons unknown, you have to respect what they want, especially your friends, and the role they want you to play in their lives. Take the time to step back and reflect on where God wants you while THEY define your role in their life. If you arent considering what they truly want in life, then you dont have love for them at all, because it didnt come from the heart. Also, you have to take their answers for what they are and not obsess over the details that led to their decisions. There are certain things that are better left alone and wondering can sometimes be the best possible solution to a situation. You just have to stay positive and trust that you are exactly where you are supposed to be and that everything happened according to god's plan. Sometimes you are pleasantly surprised to find the cause was something you could do nothing about. However, most often, that only happens if you stay patient, and still and hopeful.
As I observed her frustration, it clicked. She had the pieces of our puzzle neatly organized, yet in no specific order. Every piece was out there, and rather than slowly letting it all come together at once, I removed all of the pieces except for the edges. I need everything so rigidly defined and to a refined process, rather than just trusting and letting it all come together.Emotions were not meant to be turned off and on like a switch. Looking back, that lack of mystery that emotions and omitted confessions creates is the only reason we are alive. What would life be worth if everything were black and white and rigidly defined? I realize I imagined this sort of life out of fear because I knew that I forgot how to trust and feel from my heart.
Hooray for fall...ok, so it's been crap so far. Seemingly bad actually, as i have discovered so many things about myself through out the situations. Remember my last blog when I said I had all the info I needed to fix myself and that was the last blog on the subjects? Ya, I lied. All the info was there but a lot of it was actually the opposite of what I was striving for, and also blaming other people for my insecurities. The recent events that have revealed so much have shown me how cold and absent of heart my ideas really were. In theory, in a human world, the ideas sound great. But as God has started to unfold his plan in front of my eyes, Ive begun to re-asess my life and how I approach it. If you could see the negative points originally meant for the duality blog, you would see how much my eyes have opened, it's like night and day. I should start by saying I have been stressed to the max. It's affected some more than others. It started with warrants and court dates, continued with a good friend being diagnosed with cancer, as well as rejection which I was so confident I knew how to handle, and ended in the loss of my Father.
I've watched myself single-handedly and systematically sabotage every oppurtunity to advance in life and my relationships.
Finding a soulmate is not going to be some divine intervention where you discover you have the same exact hearts and minds. There will always be differences. Finding a soulmate is about finding a person who you will willingly and readily, listen to, observe, and fulfill all of their needs because you trust them and love them enough to know that any of their needs are worthwhile because they are no longer just their needs, but yours as well because you are no longer two seperate people, you are one, united. This is the intimacy two people share in a relationship and marriage in my opinion. What needs to mesh in finding a partner or soulmate is that your most honest and essential needs in life are either shared, or that you are both capable of meeting each others needs. Comunication and trust are two major factors in first finding those needs, and expressing them. Without that, you cant even know if you should be soulmates or marriage partners, because you dont even know what the needs of the other person are.
I don't care if this is a masterpiece or not, that isnt the point anymore. I've realized through all of this that some things should be kept to myself until I truly discover what God is doing. I have a lot of creative writing to do and share, and that's what this was supposed to be about. I turned it into a false representation of myself based on how I thought I felt. This is merely to clear things up, one last time, and to start showing my talent from here on, rather than my drama.
All my social experiments I use to weed out the friends I dont want ironically end up pushing away the ones I do want. They see through, and it stunts trust. The very quality I look for (seeing through) forces them away from me. Also, I become so self absorbed in these tests of character and boundaries, I fail to really know any of them at all.
When I state how i think things should be, or how people should think and act, I'm most often speaking of how I wish I would think and act because I know it is the right way. However, most often, I am doing something much different. When you see me do the opposite of what I've written, it is not because I'm a hypocrit, It is because I learned a lesson in my mistake, and I share those lessons so that another person may not have to make the mistakes I have. Labeling me a hypocrit for this will get you a label as well: Judgemental. Even after learning a lesson I may make the same mistake again. Thats life, and if you say you've never done that you are not being honest. My point is, im not speaking from a pedestal, but from experience.
Though I know the correct and fulfilling side of my duality, the scars I carry that prevent me from trusting anyone including myself leave me acting on the wrong side of my duality. This is my failure.
These blogs were basically journal entries. I was sincere with every word. There was nothing fake or decietful, so I can not feel bad about the contradictions. Ironically, I write so people might know me better. However, the less you know someone, the greater impact their writing will have on you. Especially in my case where people see me doing the opposite of what I write. I understand my friends being frustrated and losing hope knowing that I have so much potential and watching me continually ignore what I know is right and self destructing. I am in full confidence, however, that they will no longer feel that frustration, as I am ready to start living my life to my fullest potential.
When we become so desperate to be understood and accepted, the confusion turns to anger and we feel like the only way to make them understand our hurt is by hurting them just the same. It becomes cyclic, and increasingly dangerous, because eventually it pushes everyone away, our desperation is augmented, and therefore so is our anger and will to hurt. Pity is a dangerous tool. Expectations are dangerous and have no place in a relationship of any kind. People are who they are and they change all the time. If your love is unconditional, you don't need expectations, because you will love them all the same, through thick and thin, no matter what may come.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Why I am Wierd
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Why I am Wierd :)
What a week. I can't say I'm dissapointed to go back to work today. The free time was nice, however, I don't do well with mass amounts of time with nothing to do especially when I am not feeling creative, and it seems when my brain isn't being stimulated by the daily routines such as work, my creativity becomes limited as I become bored. I did have a wonderfully destructive conversation with somewhat of a friend that sparked something in me, call it creativity, or ranting in frustration and anger and hate...it's a fine line. I know most people hate being called out, and hate to hear the truth, and though I believe most people dislike this truth because they want to ignore it, it frustrates me because I've already called myself out on the same things several times and I'm already tired of hearing myself think about it, let alone someone else who doesnt have half the insight I do. A few of the comments made were almost word for word exactly what ive expressed in my personal writings and thoughts: "I've seen you put your potential to work, I've seen you do amazing things no one else could do, solve problems no one else could, write words that made the coldest person cry, and now I see you being an alcoholic who hides like a little girl and makes a fool out of himself almost on purpose just so people wont expect you to be responsible for achieving your potential. I think your a bastard for wasting what God gave you, and not sharing it as much as you could. What are you hiding from? What are you hiding from others? What the fuck is wrong with you?" Despite her concern, and an obvious attempt at brutal honesty and rough love, the conversation completely crushed me. I am still not sure if her comments crushed me, or the ignorance she holds on the subjects due to my own dormant patterns of communication did me in, either way, she stirred up something inside of me that made me realize how much pressure I was creating by keeping so much to myself while displaying, at least in my public writings, such turbulence and frustration inside of me. She stated precisely how I feel about myself, and asked the same questions I ask of myself daily, and although it was good to hear someone else say it, It frustrated me that I let someone else have enough knowledge to really see a problem. For being diagnosed with clinical depression over ten years ago, and manic depression recently, I am a very happy person. There is an underlying train of thought that says otherwise, but it is a chemical issue in my brain I have no control over, and it has been worsened by many of the events in my life, but i realize this, and I move past it, and I have learned to be happy for every new day and how to let things go I cant control, and most importantly, keeping the depression to myself, and not displaying it for others or making it a problem to others. I want a healthy functional relationship, and you cant have those if your unhappy with yourself, so I just try to be happy with who I am and it pretty much offsets the depression. The friend I had this conversation with, I was with for 18 months in a commited relationship, and she claims still to this day that she had no idea of my depression or the events that had happened in my life until I displayed them, after we broke up. She says I'm a good actor, I say I'm good at adapting. Anyhow, during our lovely phone conversation, I told her something that I've only told to, literally, 3 people. 4 now. People as close as my immediate family never even got the story on this. It was a brutal situation that happened during a low point in my life, and it put me over the edge for a while. I didnt speak much of anything at all to anyone for quite some time. I choked on the words until they finally came out, and even though I cringed the entire time I was sharing this information I've tried so hard to conceal, I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted, and it felt so good to hear someones voice who finally understood where you were coming from and why you do the things you do. Finding happiness in a blank facade for so long made me forget what it was like to really emotionally connect with someone. I am so concerned with people liking me that I've discovered that being blank is the best way to get the most people to like you. Our personalities and opinions shape who our friends are and who dislikes us. So I keep my personality to a minimum, and stay open to opinions and perspectives. I'll be honest and say that, I havent genuinely connected with anyone, friend or romantic interest, since the incident. From here I could start to tell you why, but it would mean nothing without the whole story. It takes a lot out of me to go back to this place and tell this story, so please ignore anything that seems out of place. I'll start with some background to let you know who I was then, as it will give you insight as to why I am who I am now, as I am a much different person. Oh, and no names will be used for reasons of respect.
Throughout school I was a straight A student. They came easy to me. I never studied, barely did homework, but aced every test I took. My teachers praised me, gave me a ton of slack on doing the bullshit work and homework, as they saw me fill it out within minutes after handing it out, showing clearly that I didnt NEED to do the bullshit work to learn the lesson and ace the test. I hung out with the jocks and the "cool" click and I was rather smug, and pretty much a little asshole to my peers. Knowing I was smarter and recieving the attention from my teachers made me feel superior, that is, until middle school and high school, when I no longer recieved slack for good test scores. From there I became a smug asshole to pretty much anyone who crossed my path aside from my friends, and I was still less than cordial at times with them. My biological father whom I met once died, my father that raised me bailed out on us, and I was kicked out of a high school my freshman year, and quit another my sophomore year. From here I began to find pleasure in drugs, sex, and alcohol. It's not all bad, I made some awesome friends I became very close with, and had a great time for a couple years. Lucky for me I was smart, and I knew there would come a time when I would sober up, and be responsible, I just didnt know it would come with such force and tragedy. I became the closest friends with a girl I had went to school with as a freshman, her being a senior at the time, we had dated in a sense, more just fooling around, and remained friends, and a year or two later when we started hanging out again, her new boyfriend just happened to be the biggest drug dealer in town. I literally spent day and night with them for months. They were older than me, and didnt seem the type at all...attractive, youthful, happy, active in their community, etc. They were my best friends, drugs aside, and they helped me get away from a lot of the bad things in my life at the time, again, drugs aside. I connected with them on so many levels that I havent even allowed myself to be open to around others since. Enough background, to the point...
Seemed like the usual night and the usual situation...as I was leaving work I called my friends to see what sort of crazy night was ahead, and to my joy, we were doing hallucinogens this night. Now the mere thought of hallucinogens makes me puke, literally. So we do our thing, and a few hours into it, we get to talking, and we start talking about the short-lived relationship of sex that her and I had. Her b/f walked out of the room as we were talking, and a look of horror came on her face. Apparently the two of them had been together during our relationship. An argument commenced, a gun was put to my face, I reacted with my smug asshole comments, and he responded "you're right, your not the problem, I am, I'll fix it"...I responded with a smug tone "please do". At the time, I don't think I realized exactly what he was saying. And you dont try to stop an angry person with a gun on hallucinogenic drugs trying to leave your presence....your rather thankful they did. Her and I argued for a bit, and as things were cooling down I gave him a call to see how he was...he wasnt making sense...all I could understand were curse words thrown in here and there, the word hate being used a lot, a very loud noise, then silence. I drove to his place and opened the unlocked door to find something that haunts my sleep to this day. A sawed off 12 gauge can leave quite a mess blowing buckshot through a brain. The police arrived shortly, asked me my name, and gave me a letter that read:
"So my best friend is a snake in the grass. You didnt know me then right? So it's ok then? You say you didnt but I know you knew what you were doing. She means everything to me, and you mean just as much. Both of you fucked me over in a big way and it just explains exactly what you were saying the other night about the condition of people. You are no better my friend. Were you fuckin her when I went to sleep too? I cant believe your story and she is a cheating evil bitch either way. If the two people I cared most for would do this, I dont find much hope in this world, never did before you guys, and well, you guys kind of fucked that. Know that I hold nothing but hate in my heart for the both of you as I die. To my grave, I fucking hate YOU. Your plea is granted dick. I'm taking care of this. I'll try to keep my eyes open so you can see the hate they hold for you, and so you can take it to your grave as well."
Slightly edited for language (trust me, it was way worse) and to make sense, thats all I care to share, and you get the point i think. His eyes were open. And I felt the hate, and I still do, and I wonder if I'm paying homage by not letting it go or if I'm just afraid to forget what a little compassion and understanding would have done in the situation. I have never felt such shame in my entire life. Someone who I cared for had killed themselves out of, and forever holding, hate for me. I know I am not responsible for his drug induced psychotic episode, however, I still wonder what a little compassion would have done for the situation. If I had just talked it out calmly with him, or refused him to leave, or left with him, or simply left him with positive sentiments. I havent talked to people in the same way since, which is a good thing in regards to the bad attitude, but with that comes the fact that I can't open up to people like I used to. I love making friends and having people open up to me and I truly love all my friends and I dont want to create the thought that im not capable of feeling, im more than capable of that, im just not capable of letting them know that by opening myself up. I'm too afraid of the power they have when they hold a piece of my heart, both friends and girls in romantic relationships. The mere power over their own lives gives them too much power with my feelings now. I have morbid nightmares of different variations of this situation as well as more current friends in the same situation. This leads me to have thoughts throughout the entire day of this occurence. My friends and co-workers help me through the day, as well as the simple act of being busy, but when im not there, the only thing that calms my brain is alcohol. I know this isnt healthy, and I can deal without alcohol, it doesnt bug me not to drink, it just takes my brain down to warp speed instead of "ludacris" speed. As far as why I often downplay myself and drink until my face falls off (or gets ripped off) around people and intentionally sabotage myself: i do this so that my words dont hold as much meaning to the people I care about. I realize this is the opposite of what most people try to achieve, but I would rather my words go in one ear and out the other than lead someone to suicide. I realize this isnt right, along with many ways I'm dealing with this in a long term sense, but I am trying, I've already taken steps in my life to lead a more functional and responsible lifestyle, and so far, so good. It's just difficult to find a balance to live off of with the knowledge and experience of so much.
Towards the end of our conversation, She began to be sympathetic and understanding. After a few moments of silence though, she came back strong with "But really, you need to quit being a girl about this. This happened how many years ago? Nothing you did or said made him kill himself, he was a bastard, and its turning you into one too. Everyone has problems and has had a rough life in one way or another. You're too important to too many people to flake out like a bitch. You need to shine like I've seen you do a thousand times. Watching you dwindle away your own worth makes me sick, Chris. Am I the only one who can see that its so hard for you to do cause your worth so much? Man up love, I miss your innocent smile." I love her to death, but man she can be a bitch, hehe. She's gonna kill me when she reads this. Anyways, to be honest, I dont even know why I'm doing this...for myself mostly, but also for anyone interested in knowing me and why I seem so strange and difficult to read. My good friend just made me realize I need to downplay the situation after so many years, not myself. And I thank her so much for opening the shades on that window. Now I just have to figure out how to open it and get some fresh air.
the consuming rage and endless discontent
creates a bitter soul that plans his own descent
ones demise can be chosen and executed
when he realizes the tragedy can be eluded
the sick selfishness that is homicide
your not really killing yourself
your killing the dreams in your mothers mind
your killing the love, that to your friends, you lied
you killed everyone you touched
if even for a minute, or a second
your malice now can not be judged
do you think you taught someone a lesson
you left a coward
the legacy you leave behind
is measured in how much love you devoured
in sick, selfish, homicide
your own suicide
Why I am Wierd :)
What a week. I can't say I'm dissapointed to go back to work today. The free time was nice, however, I don't do well with mass amounts of time with nothing to do especially when I am not feeling creative, and it seems when my brain isn't being stimulated by the daily routines such as work, my creativity becomes limited as I become bored. I did have a wonderfully destructive conversation with somewhat of a friend that sparked something in me, call it creativity, or ranting in frustration and anger and hate...it's a fine line. I know most people hate being called out, and hate to hear the truth, and though I believe most people dislike this truth because they want to ignore it, it frustrates me because I've already called myself out on the same things several times and I'm already tired of hearing myself think about it, let alone someone else who doesnt have half the insight I do. A few of the comments made were almost word for word exactly what ive expressed in my personal writings and thoughts: "I've seen you put your potential to work, I've seen you do amazing things no one else could do, solve problems no one else could, write words that made the coldest person cry, and now I see you being an alcoholic who hides like a little girl and makes a fool out of himself almost on purpose just so people wont expect you to be responsible for achieving your potential. I think your a bastard for wasting what God gave you, and not sharing it as much as you could. What are you hiding from? What are you hiding from others? What the fuck is wrong with you?" Despite her concern, and an obvious attempt at brutal honesty and rough love, the conversation completely crushed me. I am still not sure if her comments crushed me, or the ignorance she holds on the subjects due to my own dormant patterns of communication did me in, either way, she stirred up something inside of me that made me realize how much pressure I was creating by keeping so much to myself while displaying, at least in my public writings, such turbulence and frustration inside of me. She stated precisely how I feel about myself, and asked the same questions I ask of myself daily, and although it was good to hear someone else say it, It frustrated me that I let someone else have enough knowledge to really see a problem. For being diagnosed with clinical depression over ten years ago, and manic depression recently, I am a very happy person. There is an underlying train of thought that says otherwise, but it is a chemical issue in my brain I have no control over, and it has been worsened by many of the events in my life, but i realize this, and I move past it, and I have learned to be happy for every new day and how to let things go I cant control, and most importantly, keeping the depression to myself, and not displaying it for others or making it a problem to others. I want a healthy functional relationship, and you cant have those if your unhappy with yourself, so I just try to be happy with who I am and it pretty much offsets the depression. The friend I had this conversation with, I was with for 18 months in a commited relationship, and she claims still to this day that she had no idea of my depression or the events that had happened in my life until I displayed them, after we broke up. She says I'm a good actor, I say I'm good at adapting. Anyhow, during our lovely phone conversation, I told her something that I've only told to, literally, 3 people. 4 now. People as close as my immediate family never even got the story on this. It was a brutal situation that happened during a low point in my life, and it put me over the edge for a while. I didnt speak much of anything at all to anyone for quite some time. I choked on the words until they finally came out, and even though I cringed the entire time I was sharing this information I've tried so hard to conceal, I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted, and it felt so good to hear someones voice who finally understood where you were coming from and why you do the things you do. Finding happiness in a blank facade for so long made me forget what it was like to really emotionally connect with someone. I am so concerned with people liking me that I've discovered that being blank is the best way to get the most people to like you. Our personalities and opinions shape who our friends are and who dislikes us. So I keep my personality to a minimum, and stay open to opinions and perspectives. I'll be honest and say that, I havent genuinely connected with anyone, friend or romantic interest, since the incident. From here I could start to tell you why, but it would mean nothing without the whole story. It takes a lot out of me to go back to this place and tell this story, so please ignore anything that seems out of place. I'll start with some background to let you know who I was then, as it will give you insight as to why I am who I am now, as I am a much different person. Oh, and no names will be used for reasons of respect.
Throughout school I was a straight A student. They came easy to me. I never studied, barely did homework, but aced every test I took. My teachers praised me, gave me a ton of slack on doing the bullshit work and homework, as they saw me fill it out within minutes after handing it out, showing clearly that I didnt NEED to do the bullshit work to learn the lesson and ace the test. I hung out with the jocks and the "cool" click and I was rather smug, and pretty much a little asshole to my peers. Knowing I was smarter and recieving the attention from my teachers made me feel superior, that is, until middle school and high school, when I no longer recieved slack for good test scores. From there I became a smug asshole to pretty much anyone who crossed my path aside from my friends, and I was still less than cordial at times with them. My biological father whom I met once died, my father that raised me bailed out on us, and I was kicked out of a high school my freshman year, and quit another my sophomore year. From here I began to find pleasure in drugs, sex, and alcohol. It's not all bad, I made some awesome friends I became very close with, and had a great time for a couple years. Lucky for me I was smart, and I knew there would come a time when I would sober up, and be responsible, I just didnt know it would come with such force and tragedy. I became the closest friends with a girl I had went to school with as a freshman, her being a senior at the time, we had dated in a sense, more just fooling around, and remained friends, and a year or two later when we started hanging out again, her new boyfriend just happened to be the biggest drug dealer in town. I literally spent day and night with them for months. They were older than me, and didnt seem the type at all...attractive, youthful, happy, active in their community, etc. They were my best friends, drugs aside, and they helped me get away from a lot of the bad things in my life at the time, again, drugs aside. I connected with them on so many levels that I havent even allowed myself to be open to around others since. Enough background, to the point...
Seemed like the usual night and the usual situation...as I was leaving work I called my friends to see what sort of crazy night was ahead, and to my joy, we were doing hallucinogens this night. Now the mere thought of hallucinogens makes me puke, literally. So we do our thing, and a few hours into it, we get to talking, and we start talking about the short-lived relationship of sex that her and I had. Her b/f walked out of the room as we were talking, and a look of horror came on her face. Apparently the two of them had been together during our relationship. An argument commenced, a gun was put to my face, I reacted with my smug asshole comments, and he responded "you're right, your not the problem, I am, I'll fix it"...I responded with a smug tone "please do". At the time, I don't think I realized exactly what he was saying. And you dont try to stop an angry person with a gun on hallucinogenic drugs trying to leave your presence....your rather thankful they did. Her and I argued for a bit, and as things were cooling down I gave him a call to see how he was...he wasnt making sense...all I could understand were curse words thrown in here and there, the word hate being used a lot, a very loud noise, then silence. I drove to his place and opened the unlocked door to find something that haunts my sleep to this day. A sawed off 12 gauge can leave quite a mess blowing buckshot through a brain. The police arrived shortly, asked me my name, and gave me a letter that read:
"So my best friend is a snake in the grass. You didnt know me then right? So it's ok then? You say you didnt but I know you knew what you were doing. She means everything to me, and you mean just as much. Both of you fucked me over in a big way and it just explains exactly what you were saying the other night about the condition of people. You are no better my friend. Were you fuckin her when I went to sleep too? I cant believe your story and she is a cheating evil bitch either way. If the two people I cared most for would do this, I dont find much hope in this world, never did before you guys, and well, you guys kind of fucked that. Know that I hold nothing but hate in my heart for the both of you as I die. To my grave, I fucking hate YOU. Your plea is granted dick. I'm taking care of this. I'll try to keep my eyes open so you can see the hate they hold for you, and so you can take it to your grave as well."
Slightly edited for language (trust me, it was way worse) and to make sense, thats all I care to share, and you get the point i think. His eyes were open. And I felt the hate, and I still do, and I wonder if I'm paying homage by not letting it go or if I'm just afraid to forget what a little compassion and understanding would have done in the situation. I have never felt such shame in my entire life. Someone who I cared for had killed themselves out of, and forever holding, hate for me. I know I am not responsible for his drug induced psychotic episode, however, I still wonder what a little compassion would have done for the situation. If I had just talked it out calmly with him, or refused him to leave, or left with him, or simply left him with positive sentiments. I havent talked to people in the same way since, which is a good thing in regards to the bad attitude, but with that comes the fact that I can't open up to people like I used to. I love making friends and having people open up to me and I truly love all my friends and I dont want to create the thought that im not capable of feeling, im more than capable of that, im just not capable of letting them know that by opening myself up. I'm too afraid of the power they have when they hold a piece of my heart, both friends and girls in romantic relationships. The mere power over their own lives gives them too much power with my feelings now. I have morbid nightmares of different variations of this situation as well as more current friends in the same situation. This leads me to have thoughts throughout the entire day of this occurence. My friends and co-workers help me through the day, as well as the simple act of being busy, but when im not there, the only thing that calms my brain is alcohol. I know this isnt healthy, and I can deal without alcohol, it doesnt bug me not to drink, it just takes my brain down to warp speed instead of "ludacris" speed. As far as why I often downplay myself and drink until my face falls off (or gets ripped off) around people and intentionally sabotage myself: i do this so that my words dont hold as much meaning to the people I care about. I realize this is the opposite of what most people try to achieve, but I would rather my words go in one ear and out the other than lead someone to suicide. I realize this isnt right, along with many ways I'm dealing with this in a long term sense, but I am trying, I've already taken steps in my life to lead a more functional and responsible lifestyle, and so far, so good. It's just difficult to find a balance to live off of with the knowledge and experience of so much.
Towards the end of our conversation, She began to be sympathetic and understanding. After a few moments of silence though, she came back strong with "But really, you need to quit being a girl about this. This happened how many years ago? Nothing you did or said made him kill himself, he was a bastard, and its turning you into one too. Everyone has problems and has had a rough life in one way or another. You're too important to too many people to flake out like a bitch. You need to shine like I've seen you do a thousand times. Watching you dwindle away your own worth makes me sick, Chris. Am I the only one who can see that its so hard for you to do cause your worth so much? Man up love, I miss your innocent smile." I love her to death, but man she can be a bitch, hehe. She's gonna kill me when she reads this. Anyways, to be honest, I dont even know why I'm doing this...for myself mostly, but also for anyone interested in knowing me and why I seem so strange and difficult to read. My good friend just made me realize I need to downplay the situation after so many years, not myself. And I thank her so much for opening the shades on that window. Now I just have to figure out how to open it and get some fresh air.
the consuming rage and endless discontent
creates a bitter soul that plans his own descent
ones demise can be chosen and executed
when he realizes the tragedy can be eluded
the sick selfishness that is homicide
your not really killing yourself
your killing the dreams in your mothers mind
your killing the love, that to your friends, you lied
you killed everyone you touched
if even for a minute, or a second
your malice now can not be judged
do you think you taught someone a lesson
you left a coward
the legacy you leave behind
is measured in how much love you devoured
in sick, selfish, homicide
your own suicide
Ear to Ear
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Ear to Ear
Over the course of my life my confidence has been shattered by many people. I allowed some of these people to do it on several occasions over long periods of time. I've started to become somewhat immune to these acts of destruction, but through it all I have always held confidence in one thing, my smile. From as early as my memory will serve me I've recieved compliments on my smile and the charisma and joy it spreads. I enjoy nothing more than to share my smile with others. I know when someone smiles at me it can, at least for a moment, make me forget any negative thoughts im thinking at the moment. I love shooting someone a smile and reliveing them of anything negative on their mind, even if only for a second. It's difficult to think negatively while wearing a genuine smile. I begin to realize how important eye contact is as well, and realize how important my face is in my relationships and communications. The last few days I've greatly missed my ability to smile.
I made a complete fool out of myself Monday and for those of you who were lucky enough to experience it I sincerely apologize. I'm sure its a much bigger deal to me than it is to anyone else, however, I was raised with a strict sense of respect, especially in the way I talk to Women. I know I crossed the boundary I had set in my own mind with at least two people and to them I extend my deepest apologies. Just being that intoxicated around my friends and honorary mansion family gives me a feeling of shame and disrespect. I think my biggest sense of disrespect right now is to myself, and my face. I believe God is trying to tell me I need to slow my life down; or to speed it up in regards to responsibility.
The point is, my punishment is my shame. Most days at work, I spend making rounds trying to make my friends smile. However, now, the people I want to talk to most, I avoid for the most part. I make just enough contact to let them know they arent the problem. I know if I talk to them I cant smile (because it hurts), I dont want to make eye contact, because I see their eyes slip down and they are reminded of the foolish jack ass I displayed so freely. Some may feel blessed, as I get pretty hyper at work and come up with some pretty off the wall conversations to start.To be honest though, it's been a long time since i felt genuinely awkward. I despise awkward feelings. Especially when they rise from a situation such as this where I have created the pressure. A lesson learned indeed. It's reinforced all my realizations that i need to be reaching my potential and shining my talents rather then displaying someone i'm not to escape who I am, especially in the form of drinking mass amounts of alcohol. I have my excuses, but no reasons. I want to display my intelligence without the overwhelming insecurities that follow. I want to be approachable. I want people to feel comfortable talking to me about anything. I want people to be able to confront me with any issues and resolve them with me. I am a happy person stuck with a mind that never stops to even let me sleep. I relieve myself of the negatives and my over analysis through my writing, and if I feel the need to share them, I blog them for my friends. I'm much better at writing my thoughts than having face to face conversations about them. Aside from that, I try to posess positive thoughts and spread them as much as possible. It all just reminds me how important our faces are in our personal relations; both our physical face and the cover of ourselves we choose to display to others. Realizing this importance, leads me to believe the only thing more important that I could lose would be something a bit more permanent, my life. I've been known to test God, especially on two wheels (occasionally one), but I think this time I'll take the hint. Like I said, I'm sure its not that big of a deal to everyone else, and I still don't mind talking about it or even laughing about it. I dont get stuck in perspectives, I hold many at once, and I have genuinely laughed at myself and the situation. But still, I cant yet forgive myself for the disrespect to my friends and "family", and myself, for not reaching and portraying who I really am and my potential to succeed greatly in this life. I also apologize if the apologies are getting tired by the end if this.....ya.... I just wanna get back to spreading smiles is all :-D
This is the second blog I've written on this subject cause the first one went bye bye when my comp restarted itself (stupid windows errors), so it may have some things oddly placed as I was trying to remember how I wrote the first one. Anyways, If you read it, drop me a line, or grab me at work and let me know what ya think. Criticism is appreciated, and Ive only gotten it from one person! and she was so tactful I didnt even know she was doing it at the time, so ive yet to say thanks, or fix it....but maybe soon :) this poetry crap below actually goes with the last blog, but pertains a lot to this one too....oh and its not really crap...but...ya...enjoy....
Follow Your Heart
When the societal perspective fails as an underlying propriety
The victim becomes the mind considered flawed
When the conscience fails as the same
The victims become the innocent pawns
This is my plea to my heart
Please dont drink my life away
Please dont numb away my right and wrong
Please listen to the advice from my brain
The hearts will doesnt always last as long
And they've always said to follow your heart
But when it feels so much so intense so quick
All at once and forces your mind to bend
The priority becomes a way to dull the sense
I try to follow jaded but it drags me to the pits
When the mind breaks past the programming of tradition
And monotonously chews through the chains, refusing submission
When your heart shouts more and your brain starts to follow
Because your biggest fear is becoming shallow and hollow
This is my plea to my heart
Please let my mind remain sane
Support the facade, dont display the pain
Theyve become egocentric
They see no more than a game
Please dont drink my life away
Dominate their simple game
This is my plea to my heart
Ear to Ear
Over the course of my life my confidence has been shattered by many people. I allowed some of these people to do it on several occasions over long periods of time. I've started to become somewhat immune to these acts of destruction, but through it all I have always held confidence in one thing, my smile. From as early as my memory will serve me I've recieved compliments on my smile and the charisma and joy it spreads. I enjoy nothing more than to share my smile with others. I know when someone smiles at me it can, at least for a moment, make me forget any negative thoughts im thinking at the moment. I love shooting someone a smile and reliveing them of anything negative on their mind, even if only for a second. It's difficult to think negatively while wearing a genuine smile. I begin to realize how important eye contact is as well, and realize how important my face is in my relationships and communications. The last few days I've greatly missed my ability to smile.
I made a complete fool out of myself Monday and for those of you who were lucky enough to experience it I sincerely apologize. I'm sure its a much bigger deal to me than it is to anyone else, however, I was raised with a strict sense of respect, especially in the way I talk to Women. I know I crossed the boundary I had set in my own mind with at least two people and to them I extend my deepest apologies. Just being that intoxicated around my friends and honorary mansion family gives me a feeling of shame and disrespect. I think my biggest sense of disrespect right now is to myself, and my face. I believe God is trying to tell me I need to slow my life down; or to speed it up in regards to responsibility.
The point is, my punishment is my shame. Most days at work, I spend making rounds trying to make my friends smile. However, now, the people I want to talk to most, I avoid for the most part. I make just enough contact to let them know they arent the problem. I know if I talk to them I cant smile (because it hurts), I dont want to make eye contact, because I see their eyes slip down and they are reminded of the foolish jack ass I displayed so freely. Some may feel blessed, as I get pretty hyper at work and come up with some pretty off the wall conversations to start.To be honest though, it's been a long time since i felt genuinely awkward. I despise awkward feelings. Especially when they rise from a situation such as this where I have created the pressure. A lesson learned indeed. It's reinforced all my realizations that i need to be reaching my potential and shining my talents rather then displaying someone i'm not to escape who I am, especially in the form of drinking mass amounts of alcohol. I have my excuses, but no reasons. I want to display my intelligence without the overwhelming insecurities that follow. I want to be approachable. I want people to feel comfortable talking to me about anything. I want people to be able to confront me with any issues and resolve them with me. I am a happy person stuck with a mind that never stops to even let me sleep. I relieve myself of the negatives and my over analysis through my writing, and if I feel the need to share them, I blog them for my friends. I'm much better at writing my thoughts than having face to face conversations about them. Aside from that, I try to posess positive thoughts and spread them as much as possible. It all just reminds me how important our faces are in our personal relations; both our physical face and the cover of ourselves we choose to display to others. Realizing this importance, leads me to believe the only thing more important that I could lose would be something a bit more permanent, my life. I've been known to test God, especially on two wheels (occasionally one), but I think this time I'll take the hint. Like I said, I'm sure its not that big of a deal to everyone else, and I still don't mind talking about it or even laughing about it. I dont get stuck in perspectives, I hold many at once, and I have genuinely laughed at myself and the situation. But still, I cant yet forgive myself for the disrespect to my friends and "family", and myself, for not reaching and portraying who I really am and my potential to succeed greatly in this life. I also apologize if the apologies are getting tired by the end if this.....ya.... I just wanna get back to spreading smiles is all :-D
This is the second blog I've written on this subject cause the first one went bye bye when my comp restarted itself (stupid windows errors), so it may have some things oddly placed as I was trying to remember how I wrote the first one. Anyways, If you read it, drop me a line, or grab me at work and let me know what ya think. Criticism is appreciated, and Ive only gotten it from one person! and she was so tactful I didnt even know she was doing it at the time, so ive yet to say thanks, or fix it....but maybe soon :) this poetry crap below actually goes with the last blog, but pertains a lot to this one too....oh and its not really crap...but...ya...enjoy....
Follow Your Heart
When the societal perspective fails as an underlying propriety
The victim becomes the mind considered flawed
When the conscience fails as the same
The victims become the innocent pawns
This is my plea to my heart
Please dont drink my life away
Please dont numb away my right and wrong
Please listen to the advice from my brain
The hearts will doesnt always last as long
And they've always said to follow your heart
But when it feels so much so intense so quick
All at once and forces your mind to bend
The priority becomes a way to dull the sense
I try to follow jaded but it drags me to the pits
When the mind breaks past the programming of tradition
And monotonously chews through the chains, refusing submission
When your heart shouts more and your brain starts to follow
Because your biggest fear is becoming shallow and hollow
This is my plea to my heart
Please let my mind remain sane
Support the facade, dont display the pain
Theyve become egocentric
They see no more than a game
Please dont drink my life away
Dominate their simple game
This is my plea to my heart
Perspective
Monday, May 19, 2008
Perspective
This is one subject I've been putting off for quite some time as a blog topic. It is my favorite subject to ponder as it is the underlying factor in the process of thought that shapes personalities, opinions, and most everything that stems from cognitive thought. Merely brainstorming the points and questions I would present in this blog made me realize a book would be a better suited format for my writings on perspective. The variations in perspectives from person to person start from cognition and build to the present time in their lives and how they chose to react based on previous experiences in their lives and how they reacted to those, and so on, as well as the chemical make-up of their brain. It's a never ending cycle and for those who stay open to perspectives and try to improve their perspectives, it is always changing.
My main complaint on the perspectives I see from day to day is how they all seem to derive from tradition. Our parents raise us to be everything that has already been. Their parents did the same and its a cycle that is fueled by the societal condition. The problem I have with the underlying program of tradition in our thought process is that it forces us to become egocentric. As humans, considered alone in our universe, we idolize everything and everyone that came before us. Pondering this leads me to believe that with this mind state active, it leads us as humans to believe, at least on a subconscious level, that we will eventually be the ones to be idolized. This is how egocentrism becomes entangled in every faucet of our brains cognition and process of thought. We rationalize everything in relation to ourselves and our position in society to become the idol's of our own surroundings. Currency has literally become a life and death situation in society. People kill for it, thousands of people a day if they need it badly enough. Thousands die from starvation everyday from a lack of currency. Yet we have billions floating around in the hands of the idol's of our society, to be given to the other idol's. This may be a bit much for most to grasp. It's taking many deep breaths and much focus from my end just to turn the concept into words. It's hard to turn off the sound to the programming of tradition. I hear parts of me yammering on about survival of the fittest and the right to wealth. However, I find it impossible to ignore the parts of me that say "there is a better way", and the feeling in the pit of my stomach that there is something very foul in the way we function as a global society. I realize I am no better. And I think realizing that I am becoming what I despise is a healthy complaint to feel strongly about. In my opinion, the key to a happy life is restricting our complaints and discontent to pertain only to ourselves. We are the only ones in control of our own happiness. There is no sense in complaining about and dreading things we can control. If the anxiety is bad enough, you will take actions to change it. Likewise, the things we cant control are equally not worth the anxiety. There are very few things in our adult lives that we can not control. Some people put limitations on how far they are willing to go to change things, but beyond that, I dont understand people who stand still in long term discontent and anxiety. We call these people Cry-Bitches: people who just want to complain (a whiner).
My conundrum is trying to define my control over my discontent with human relations and how its shaped the societal condition. Statistically, only a small percentage of people can break down their thought process and even temporarily have thoughts that are unaffected by all their underlying principles and programming as taught their entire lives by their enviroment: their parents and societal tradition. This is considered unconventional thought, or "outside the box". A large percentage of these people commit suicide by the age of 40. This makes it difficult to find people to discuss and try to make some sense of all the thoughts and questions that manifest consequently. I normally get odd looks and a quick change in conversation. I can understand to a point, as the thoughts reach way deeper than I could attempt to fit in a blog or even be able to put into words for that matter. It becomes maddening at a certain point. However, as a person who has experienced both directly and indirectly the tradgedy of suicide, it is not an option to me. It's not in God's plan, so its not in my plan. Ooo, lets's touch on religion to wrap this up.
Now, this is where I'm probably going to piss someone off. I may step over some boundaries, but worry not, I'll step back over them on the way out, no kicking or biting, and I'll even lock that tiny little head of yours as I leave. First, you have to alleviate your brain of all your current perspectives on life. I just lost half of my readers, but really focus and try. Nothing good or bad ever happened to you. You have been taught nothing but facts with evidence: speech, math, science, and personal hygiene (for reproduction purposes). Science has a basis of evidence; truly in this situation. Your only faith, in my opinion, would be either in nature, or in a theory that we are a tiny tiny atom inside of a very large force. Gettin a little science fictiony on ya I know, but our earliest translation of the word "religion" is "fear of the natural world". We, as humans, had anxiety about trusting nature with our lives, so we created a god with a face. Someone to hear us the way we hear each other. To backpedal if i may, I am a Christian in some senses of the word, and I do not doubt the divinity of Jesus, however I do believe that he was created by a force, known as our God, his father. This force is not human. God is a force of nature, controlling nature, in every sense of the word. The images and relation we make to God and Jesus are those that make it easier to feel close to him as if we have our own personal Jesus. So what are angels for? Furthermore, we are taught on one side that he is loving and gentle and la-tee-dah. Other churches preach fire and damnation for shaking your hips a little to the rhythm of a sound. I believe its a median of all religions. There are even some muslim beliefs that make more sense than christian beliefs to me. The point is, I think we are all worshiping the same god, just in different ways. I find truth in many religions but none of them seem to have hit the nail on the head due to corruption in the human heart: greed. I believe the church has been corrupt for quite some time and it has stunted it's growth and understanding of it's world due to closed minds and stubborn perspectives of it's leaders. Stubborn perspectives are the reason the Christian religion split into denominations in the first place. I'm really ok with this, as I think religion and faith should be a personal journey. Christianity is close to my beliefs and I have found churches that preach a fair median thats broad enough for people to find their own way through the words. Some christian have opened their perspectives on some issues. Maybe there is hope for a more open forum when it's time to discuss who we are as a people and not condemn people for thinking in a different manner if the thoughts are intelligent. Those fuckers need to quit killing themselves and rise up! Or maybe I'm just being a cry-bitch.
Perspective
This is one subject I've been putting off for quite some time as a blog topic. It is my favorite subject to ponder as it is the underlying factor in the process of thought that shapes personalities, opinions, and most everything that stems from cognitive thought. Merely brainstorming the points and questions I would present in this blog made me realize a book would be a better suited format for my writings on perspective. The variations in perspectives from person to person start from cognition and build to the present time in their lives and how they chose to react based on previous experiences in their lives and how they reacted to those, and so on, as well as the chemical make-up of their brain. It's a never ending cycle and for those who stay open to perspectives and try to improve their perspectives, it is always changing.
My main complaint on the perspectives I see from day to day is how they all seem to derive from tradition. Our parents raise us to be everything that has already been. Their parents did the same and its a cycle that is fueled by the societal condition. The problem I have with the underlying program of tradition in our thought process is that it forces us to become egocentric. As humans, considered alone in our universe, we idolize everything and everyone that came before us. Pondering this leads me to believe that with this mind state active, it leads us as humans to believe, at least on a subconscious level, that we will eventually be the ones to be idolized. This is how egocentrism becomes entangled in every faucet of our brains cognition and process of thought. We rationalize everything in relation to ourselves and our position in society to become the idol's of our own surroundings. Currency has literally become a life and death situation in society. People kill for it, thousands of people a day if they need it badly enough. Thousands die from starvation everyday from a lack of currency. Yet we have billions floating around in the hands of the idol's of our society, to be given to the other idol's. This may be a bit much for most to grasp. It's taking many deep breaths and much focus from my end just to turn the concept into words. It's hard to turn off the sound to the programming of tradition. I hear parts of me yammering on about survival of the fittest and the right to wealth. However, I find it impossible to ignore the parts of me that say "there is a better way", and the feeling in the pit of my stomach that there is something very foul in the way we function as a global society. I realize I am no better. And I think realizing that I am becoming what I despise is a healthy complaint to feel strongly about. In my opinion, the key to a happy life is restricting our complaints and discontent to pertain only to ourselves. We are the only ones in control of our own happiness. There is no sense in complaining about and dreading things we can control. If the anxiety is bad enough, you will take actions to change it. Likewise, the things we cant control are equally not worth the anxiety. There are very few things in our adult lives that we can not control. Some people put limitations on how far they are willing to go to change things, but beyond that, I dont understand people who stand still in long term discontent and anxiety. We call these people Cry-Bitches: people who just want to complain (a whiner).
My conundrum is trying to define my control over my discontent with human relations and how its shaped the societal condition. Statistically, only a small percentage of people can break down their thought process and even temporarily have thoughts that are unaffected by all their underlying principles and programming as taught their entire lives by their enviroment: their parents and societal tradition. This is considered unconventional thought, or "outside the box". A large percentage of these people commit suicide by the age of 40. This makes it difficult to find people to discuss and try to make some sense of all the thoughts and questions that manifest consequently. I normally get odd looks and a quick change in conversation. I can understand to a point, as the thoughts reach way deeper than I could attempt to fit in a blog or even be able to put into words for that matter. It becomes maddening at a certain point. However, as a person who has experienced both directly and indirectly the tradgedy of suicide, it is not an option to me. It's not in God's plan, so its not in my plan. Ooo, lets's touch on religion to wrap this up.
Now, this is where I'm probably going to piss someone off. I may step over some boundaries, but worry not, I'll step back over them on the way out, no kicking or biting, and I'll even lock that tiny little head of yours as I leave. First, you have to alleviate your brain of all your current perspectives on life. I just lost half of my readers, but really focus and try. Nothing good or bad ever happened to you. You have been taught nothing but facts with evidence: speech, math, science, and personal hygiene (for reproduction purposes). Science has a basis of evidence; truly in this situation. Your only faith, in my opinion, would be either in nature, or in a theory that we are a tiny tiny atom inside of a very large force. Gettin a little science fictiony on ya I know, but our earliest translation of the word "religion" is "fear of the natural world". We, as humans, had anxiety about trusting nature with our lives, so we created a god with a face. Someone to hear us the way we hear each other. To backpedal if i may, I am a Christian in some senses of the word, and I do not doubt the divinity of Jesus, however I do believe that he was created by a force, known as our God, his father. This force is not human. God is a force of nature, controlling nature, in every sense of the word. The images and relation we make to God and Jesus are those that make it easier to feel close to him as if we have our own personal Jesus. So what are angels for? Furthermore, we are taught on one side that he is loving and gentle and la-tee-dah. Other churches preach fire and damnation for shaking your hips a little to the rhythm of a sound. I believe its a median of all religions. There are even some muslim beliefs that make more sense than christian beliefs to me. The point is, I think we are all worshiping the same god, just in different ways. I find truth in many religions but none of them seem to have hit the nail on the head due to corruption in the human heart: greed. I believe the church has been corrupt for quite some time and it has stunted it's growth and understanding of it's world due to closed minds and stubborn perspectives of it's leaders. Stubborn perspectives are the reason the Christian religion split into denominations in the first place. I'm really ok with this, as I think religion and faith should be a personal journey. Christianity is close to my beliefs and I have found churches that preach a fair median thats broad enough for people to find their own way through the words. Some christian have opened their perspectives on some issues. Maybe there is hope for a more open forum when it's time to discuss who we are as a people and not condemn people for thinking in a different manner if the thoughts are intelligent. Those fuckers need to quit killing themselves and rise up! Or maybe I'm just being a cry-bitch.
Communication
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Communication
Who wrote the rules and regulations on meeting members of the opposite sex, (or the same sex for some people), and placed such importance on the subtlety of moving from acquaintance to friend to crush to dating to exclusive to married. I feel like im trying to sell used cars rather than picking up a date for friday night. And trust me, I'm no salesman. Why do people base their decisions on how clever or witty the line was when you asked them out? Does that really tell you much about how they will be as a b/f or g/f or even husband or wife someday? At most it should tell you they're a smooth talker and you will probably be talked out of any situations you disagree with them on. (Cynical, party of one.) How is it that, though we know communication is key for a succesful relationship, we refuse to be blunt and to the point about the things we want from each other? It seems that potential rejection becomes anxiety because we cant be honest with each other about our feelings without someone getting their preverbial panties in a wad. Either we wish and hope and dream ourselves into a state of certainty before we state our position or we try to move in too close before anything at all has been established. In most cases both of these actions will recieve rejection that makes us feel as if our world is being torn down around us, at least momentarily, even if you dont put it on display. However, in some cases, you will have been lucky enough to encounter someone with the same conundrum and things will blast off in a fiery blaze. I've experienced all scenarios ive explained and they all become dysfunctional at some point. Although our rejection in the case stated above can be easily faulted to the person rejecting us, we have to take responsibility for our own neglect in the situation. Your lack of blunt communication caused your mind to build up these fantasies of the person falling into your arms as you state your unyielding love to them. If you had just expressed an honest interest in a straightforward way from the beginning, you would have known where you stood in that person's mind, and you could build from there, whether its a friendship your building, or the interest is mutual and you decide friends should become something more. This being said it also confuses me when either person involved in the rejection feel as if that is the end of the line. If you express your interest in a healthy manner, and rejection sprouts from the situation, why does it then have to be an awkward situation? If you had interest, why is friends not enough? If you expressed your interest early enough that you didnt commit your deeper feelings to the situation, why wouldnt you want a new friend out of the situation? Likewise, why does the person dishing the rejection have to make things awkward by not wanting the same? If it was an initial expression of interest and they are well mannered and honest about it, whats the big deal? Sensitivity can be some people's most volatile demon. Now, I am a very sensitive person in terms of considering the feelings of others and expecting all adults to apply the golden rule in social situations. But when sensitivity turns to pouting and self pitty, you will only come out of a rejection situation with your head stuck up your own ass and everyone pointing and laughing. Now concerning the relationships that sprout from dysfunctional communication, all encounters ive had and have seen in these situations end in a cyclic disorder of chasing down the meaning of everything done and said by both parties until the relationships end, or someone dies a very unhappy person. Personally, I do not want to live my life with someone who is incapable of making me happy. Furthermore, I dont want to spend my life chasing love i create in my own mind because I refuse to communicate. It is surprising how many people let sensitivity and god knows what concieted mess of arrogant filth, cloud their senses when it comes to reception and output of healthy communication. This blog is starting to turn into a tangeant on relationships, due mostly to me being single for wa-a-ay too long, (due to my own decisions) however this was meant to be about communication, so we'll head that way. For starters, I am in no way suggesting I would favor a world of emotionless monotany where everyone spoke and functioned only as neccesary to survive. However, I do feel that people should take their emotions out of situations where rejection, direction, criticism, or any form of sensitive communication is abundant. I believe that problems from as small as romantic interest to as big as political bickering amongst countries that eventually leads to war, could be solved if we had honest, emotionless, blunt conversations. This is partially why I dont do small talk very well. Not only due to the fact that i let peoples emotional baggage effect me from not only the conversations ive had with them, but the actions they have done to lash out at me, but also because I dont find reason in it. It's breath wasted for the most part in my opinion, unless your laughing with friends, or lending a shoulder to cry on, I dont see the point in shooting the shit about the weather. As much as i smoke, I need to choose my breath's wisely ;). (Yes, I used a wink smilie face, omg, my bff will ftfo). I am guilty of being a dreamer and never being satisfied with the way people are and obsessing over how much better the world could be. 90% of my stresses and anxiety stem from that, and I just wonder how powerful we could be if i could just change the opinions of stubborn people. I love challenges, I feed off of them, but changing the opinions of stubborn people is like trying to catch lightning in a jar. Your ass will get fried everytime. People play the games they play to defend their emotions from the game the last person they encountered was playing. I am guilty more than most to be honest, but that doesnt change the fact that I know better, want better, and am tired of games with no outcome of positive emotions.
The writing below correlates slightly to the blog, but, I'm really just using this as an excuse to display it, so enjoy. And for gods sake, leave me a comment or something if ya read all this. Even if it sucked, I wanna know that so I can make it better next time! Guilt trip ending in 3...2...1
This lonely makes me crazy
I think I'm at my wits end
Never have been so witty
So it must be a short stick to bend
If every word I spoke through a pen
Could melt your heart and free your sin
I'd breathe fire, burning the words as they came
So nothing could be repeated and I could always lay claim
To the nurture of the key to your mind
The molten beauty of your heart and mine
Propitously I will whisper the flame
To prevent the stone my own heart's became
Though I know her in my dreams
I dont dare speak
Though these feelings disturb my sleep
Blind love holds such uncertainty
This social disorder can not be explained
Going such lengths to intentionally deprave
I've exhausted my mind to excel at this game
The right words, the wrong times, flat on my face
Chewing cement
Accepting demise
Marble and granite
Subconscious lies
How dare I be loyal, honest, and blunt
About who I am
And where you stand
And how deep the feelings cut
This social disorder is a product of lies
The frozen words turning lava to ice
A stepping stone they used to find the next
So I'm breathing fire in hope it reflects
Communication
Who wrote the rules and regulations on meeting members of the opposite sex, (or the same sex for some people), and placed such importance on the subtlety of moving from acquaintance to friend to crush to dating to exclusive to married. I feel like im trying to sell used cars rather than picking up a date for friday night. And trust me, I'm no salesman. Why do people base their decisions on how clever or witty the line was when you asked them out? Does that really tell you much about how they will be as a b/f or g/f or even husband or wife someday? At most it should tell you they're a smooth talker and you will probably be talked out of any situations you disagree with them on. (Cynical, party of one.) How is it that, though we know communication is key for a succesful relationship, we refuse to be blunt and to the point about the things we want from each other? It seems that potential rejection becomes anxiety because we cant be honest with each other about our feelings without someone getting their preverbial panties in a wad. Either we wish and hope and dream ourselves into a state of certainty before we state our position or we try to move in too close before anything at all has been established. In most cases both of these actions will recieve rejection that makes us feel as if our world is being torn down around us, at least momentarily, even if you dont put it on display. However, in some cases, you will have been lucky enough to encounter someone with the same conundrum and things will blast off in a fiery blaze. I've experienced all scenarios ive explained and they all become dysfunctional at some point. Although our rejection in the case stated above can be easily faulted to the person rejecting us, we have to take responsibility for our own neglect in the situation. Your lack of blunt communication caused your mind to build up these fantasies of the person falling into your arms as you state your unyielding love to them. If you had just expressed an honest interest in a straightforward way from the beginning, you would have known where you stood in that person's mind, and you could build from there, whether its a friendship your building, or the interest is mutual and you decide friends should become something more. This being said it also confuses me when either person involved in the rejection feel as if that is the end of the line. If you express your interest in a healthy manner, and rejection sprouts from the situation, why does it then have to be an awkward situation? If you had interest, why is friends not enough? If you expressed your interest early enough that you didnt commit your deeper feelings to the situation, why wouldnt you want a new friend out of the situation? Likewise, why does the person dishing the rejection have to make things awkward by not wanting the same? If it was an initial expression of interest and they are well mannered and honest about it, whats the big deal? Sensitivity can be some people's most volatile demon. Now, I am a very sensitive person in terms of considering the feelings of others and expecting all adults to apply the golden rule in social situations. But when sensitivity turns to pouting and self pitty, you will only come out of a rejection situation with your head stuck up your own ass and everyone pointing and laughing. Now concerning the relationships that sprout from dysfunctional communication, all encounters ive had and have seen in these situations end in a cyclic disorder of chasing down the meaning of everything done and said by both parties until the relationships end, or someone dies a very unhappy person. Personally, I do not want to live my life with someone who is incapable of making me happy. Furthermore, I dont want to spend my life chasing love i create in my own mind because I refuse to communicate. It is surprising how many people let sensitivity and god knows what concieted mess of arrogant filth, cloud their senses when it comes to reception and output of healthy communication. This blog is starting to turn into a tangeant on relationships, due mostly to me being single for wa-a-ay too long, (due to my own decisions) however this was meant to be about communication, so we'll head that way. For starters, I am in no way suggesting I would favor a world of emotionless monotany where everyone spoke and functioned only as neccesary to survive. However, I do feel that people should take their emotions out of situations where rejection, direction, criticism, or any form of sensitive communication is abundant. I believe that problems from as small as romantic interest to as big as political bickering amongst countries that eventually leads to war, could be solved if we had honest, emotionless, blunt conversations. This is partially why I dont do small talk very well. Not only due to the fact that i let peoples emotional baggage effect me from not only the conversations ive had with them, but the actions they have done to lash out at me, but also because I dont find reason in it. It's breath wasted for the most part in my opinion, unless your laughing with friends, or lending a shoulder to cry on, I dont see the point in shooting the shit about the weather. As much as i smoke, I need to choose my breath's wisely ;). (Yes, I used a wink smilie face, omg, my bff will ftfo). I am guilty of being a dreamer and never being satisfied with the way people are and obsessing over how much better the world could be. 90% of my stresses and anxiety stem from that, and I just wonder how powerful we could be if i could just change the opinions of stubborn people. I love challenges, I feed off of them, but changing the opinions of stubborn people is like trying to catch lightning in a jar. Your ass will get fried everytime. People play the games they play to defend their emotions from the game the last person they encountered was playing. I am guilty more than most to be honest, but that doesnt change the fact that I know better, want better, and am tired of games with no outcome of positive emotions.
The writing below correlates slightly to the blog, but, I'm really just using this as an excuse to display it, so enjoy. And for gods sake, leave me a comment or something if ya read all this. Even if it sucked, I wanna know that so I can make it better next time! Guilt trip ending in 3...2...1
This lonely makes me crazy
I think I'm at my wits end
Never have been so witty
So it must be a short stick to bend
If every word I spoke through a pen
Could melt your heart and free your sin
I'd breathe fire, burning the words as they came
So nothing could be repeated and I could always lay claim
To the nurture of the key to your mind
The molten beauty of your heart and mine
Propitously I will whisper the flame
To prevent the stone my own heart's became
Though I know her in my dreams
I dont dare speak
Though these feelings disturb my sleep
Blind love holds such uncertainty
This social disorder can not be explained
Going such lengths to intentionally deprave
I've exhausted my mind to excel at this game
The right words, the wrong times, flat on my face
Chewing cement
Accepting demise
Marble and granite
Subconscious lies
How dare I be loyal, honest, and blunt
About who I am
And where you stand
And how deep the feelings cut
This social disorder is a product of lies
The frozen words turning lava to ice
A stepping stone they used to find the next
So I'm breathing fire in hope it reflects
The Fortress Personality: Dungeons and Demons
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
The Fortress Personality: Dungeons and Demons
You thought I was going to type dungeons and dragons didnt you...get off my blog page you freaking dork.
ahem, now to the point. This will start to seem like a tangeant, with no direction, but i promise it connects, so please dont give up.
I was wandering around my mind the other day, trying to find a solution to a problem I have that has been affecting not only myself, but many others surrounding me. I say wandering, but I was pacing quite hastily. I'm not sure about others, as I don't share and compare what is on my mind very often for their sake, but I have opposing opinions on everything. I suppose it is because I am open-minded, and try to see everyone's point of view on everything. I view thought and personality inside the human brain as a sort of fortress. Some leave themselves exposed in the courtyard for all to see and appreciate, and are extremely proud of their attributes. Others are locked in a tower, but occasionally step out on the balcony to enjoy the exposure, then return to solitude when they see clouds move in and start to feel uncomfortable. Still others stay in the dungeon. For the majority of people this is involuntary, and they have done something, or experienced something, that keeps them in the deepest depths of the fortress that has been built by both themselves and others. More complex characters wander about, and man the fortress from every side. Even prisoners see the light of day once in a while.
Now, as I am hastily pacing the fortress halls, observing every aspect of every intricate room, I feel a sharp pain as I run face first into a gigantic wall. As I inspect the wall further, anger, rage, and confusion start to build up inside of me. What kind of moron would build such a wall in the most inconvenient place? Perfectly placed between me and the very place I need to visit to resolve the issue that is obliterating my life. Marble and granite, hatred, self pitty, and lies. A fabricated truth radiates itself from this wall. Oh hey, look, I built this. I couldnt remember what I had used to build this monster, but whatever it was, it seems it will take years to demolish enough to even climb over.
I find it somewhat peculiar how powerful our minds are. Electrical impulses and tissue joined to form an organ. I lose myself in thinking "outside the box", and I ponder the fact that our eyes force us to inevitably give everything an image. The fortress, the gods we worship, anything you can imagine, we have a face, a place, something tangible. Our minds can even block themselves from consciously showing us what thoughts are actually there. I'm sure this sounds like a simple concept to grasp, as words do not do it justice. But subjects that are now considered a science were once pawned off as simple, ordinary, no-explanation-needed everyday occurences. And there are sciences that are fairly new, as our intelligence and capabilities as humans progress.
While pondering all this, I almost forgot exactly what it was I was looking for.
Not everyone is familiar with Freudian theory on the subject of personality, but he has three aspects to a human's personality. The Id, the Ego, and the Superego. For purposes of keeping you awake, I will only explain the Id, as it brings us to my problem. The Id is the aspect of the personality that involves maturity, rather, lack thereof, instant gratification, and things of this nature. It is only concerned with what will make the person happy at this very moment. It has no concern for planning properly to implement long term hapiness or success. And I just happen to be an Idiot.
I am so hormonally driven I make stupid decisions that only please me in the moment, and later, I kick myself in the ass for it, and wonder why the hell I did that. Yes, I used the word hormone, but im not speaking only of sexual decisions; although it does fit in there somewhere. Having a good sense of right and wrong, and above average intelligence, mixed with the fact that I am an idiot, drives me to insanity, literally. I try to avoid making decisions so diligently, sometimes I wish for death, or maybe even a vegetative state. At least then, I hold no responsibility for my actions. I know this is madness, but being the smartest idiot most people know creates madness and torture inside of me. It turns the real parts of me into demons, which are cast into the dungeon of my fortress. This forces fake attributes to run about the place building walls for me to later find, and eventually, create a dungeon out of the entire place.
But our minds are so powerful, correct? I should be able to send a mental A-bomb in there and wipe the place out and start fresh. A burnt yard in the middle of ruins to plant new seed and start rebuilding to a more friendly character. But if our minds are so powerful, why wouldnt it's defenses take me out first? It has an insider's knowledge of my plans, and has armed the towers with the dungeon's slaves.
The Fortress Personality: Dungeons and Demons
You thought I was going to type dungeons and dragons didnt you...get off my blog page you freaking dork.
ahem, now to the point. This will start to seem like a tangeant, with no direction, but i promise it connects, so please dont give up.
I was wandering around my mind the other day, trying to find a solution to a problem I have that has been affecting not only myself, but many others surrounding me. I say wandering, but I was pacing quite hastily. I'm not sure about others, as I don't share and compare what is on my mind very often for their sake, but I have opposing opinions on everything. I suppose it is because I am open-minded, and try to see everyone's point of view on everything. I view thought and personality inside the human brain as a sort of fortress. Some leave themselves exposed in the courtyard for all to see and appreciate, and are extremely proud of their attributes. Others are locked in a tower, but occasionally step out on the balcony to enjoy the exposure, then return to solitude when they see clouds move in and start to feel uncomfortable. Still others stay in the dungeon. For the majority of people this is involuntary, and they have done something, or experienced something, that keeps them in the deepest depths of the fortress that has been built by both themselves and others. More complex characters wander about, and man the fortress from every side. Even prisoners see the light of day once in a while.
Now, as I am hastily pacing the fortress halls, observing every aspect of every intricate room, I feel a sharp pain as I run face first into a gigantic wall. As I inspect the wall further, anger, rage, and confusion start to build up inside of me. What kind of moron would build such a wall in the most inconvenient place? Perfectly placed between me and the very place I need to visit to resolve the issue that is obliterating my life. Marble and granite, hatred, self pitty, and lies. A fabricated truth radiates itself from this wall. Oh hey, look, I built this. I couldnt remember what I had used to build this monster, but whatever it was, it seems it will take years to demolish enough to even climb over.
I find it somewhat peculiar how powerful our minds are. Electrical impulses and tissue joined to form an organ. I lose myself in thinking "outside the box", and I ponder the fact that our eyes force us to inevitably give everything an image. The fortress, the gods we worship, anything you can imagine, we have a face, a place, something tangible. Our minds can even block themselves from consciously showing us what thoughts are actually there. I'm sure this sounds like a simple concept to grasp, as words do not do it justice. But subjects that are now considered a science were once pawned off as simple, ordinary, no-explanation-needed everyday occurences. And there are sciences that are fairly new, as our intelligence and capabilities as humans progress.
While pondering all this, I almost forgot exactly what it was I was looking for.
Not everyone is familiar with Freudian theory on the subject of personality, but he has three aspects to a human's personality. The Id, the Ego, and the Superego. For purposes of keeping you awake, I will only explain the Id, as it brings us to my problem. The Id is the aspect of the personality that involves maturity, rather, lack thereof, instant gratification, and things of this nature. It is only concerned with what will make the person happy at this very moment. It has no concern for planning properly to implement long term hapiness or success. And I just happen to be an Idiot.
I am so hormonally driven I make stupid decisions that only please me in the moment, and later, I kick myself in the ass for it, and wonder why the hell I did that. Yes, I used the word hormone, but im not speaking only of sexual decisions; although it does fit in there somewhere. Having a good sense of right and wrong, and above average intelligence, mixed with the fact that I am an idiot, drives me to insanity, literally. I try to avoid making decisions so diligently, sometimes I wish for death, or maybe even a vegetative state. At least then, I hold no responsibility for my actions. I know this is madness, but being the smartest idiot most people know creates madness and torture inside of me. It turns the real parts of me into demons, which are cast into the dungeon of my fortress. This forces fake attributes to run about the place building walls for me to later find, and eventually, create a dungeon out of the entire place.
But our minds are so powerful, correct? I should be able to send a mental A-bomb in there and wipe the place out and start fresh. A burnt yard in the middle of ruins to plant new seed and start rebuilding to a more friendly character. But if our minds are so powerful, why wouldnt it's defenses take me out first? It has an insider's knowledge of my plans, and has armed the towers with the dungeon's slaves.
Guilt by Association
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Guilt by Association
Wow. What a concept. Because you are friendly with someone, or are seen talking to someone, you automatically become everything they are. Nuclear fusion took a giant leap? Radiation maybe? No no, wait, people are just fucking idiots. Just today, literally, I became a victim of this ignorant point of view.
Now, to forewarn you, this is somewhat of a rant. But I'm not just bitching, so please, hear me out.
Call me an alcoholic, ill own up to that one. Call me a pothead, it will at least entertain me. But to say I am a meth head shows complete and total ignorance about me, and the things I have been through in my life. If there is one thing I despise more than any other it is people running their flappy ass gums about things they know nothing about. The next thing on the list is meth, and meth heads.
The girl I loved more than anything in this world broke my heart several times because of this disgusting drug. I have tried it once, and hated it. That one time was not while I was with her. If you see me at work, its obvious that energy drinks and apples give me plenty of energy, some would say too much. Thats all anybody needs to know about it, and that is the most I will defend my position.
From what I hear, the comment made about me was "He was talking to (so and so) and (so and so) does hard drugs (meth) so anyone hanging out with him must be doing it too". Can you make a more ignorant statement? As soon as those words come out of your mouth, you might as well shove them straight up your ass, along with any reputation you may have as an intelligent person. That statement is the epitome of guilt by association.
Making a statement such as that, suggests that Jesus was a prostitute, a tax collector, which at the time was a very dishonorable position in society, and a murderer, as well as many other things. He was with these people trying to save their souls. I, as well as the person who said this, do a show every day, where Jesus dies because of guilt by association. I hope for their sake, and my job's sake, I don't find out who said it. However, I hope like hell they read this blog.
If anything good has come from this, I will at least be careful before I judge people based on who they hang out with. The writing below is about judgement, please enjoy, and thanks for listening to me bitch. I'll bust out another blog soon that actually means something, rather than just ranting.
Two Way Mirror
Decisions, Decisions
yours are yours
and mine are mine
A childhood lesson
like all men are created equal
your no better than me
and I am no better than you
somewhere in life you lost this notion
you think yours are yours
and mine are the worlds
for their discretion, rather, yours
I don't dissect your discrepancies
they are yours
yet, somehow you fabricated
a god that you created
took a bible holy
and made it soley
your own
that you are to judge
but not be judged
by even yourself
A two way mirror you hide behind
so that you can justify:
apathy, hateful retaliations,
that in your mind
with no self awareness,
due to MY decisions
are no crime
The God you distort
sees through your lies
and the two way mirror you hide behind.
Guilt by Association
Wow. What a concept. Because you are friendly with someone, or are seen talking to someone, you automatically become everything they are. Nuclear fusion took a giant leap? Radiation maybe? No no, wait, people are just fucking idiots. Just today, literally, I became a victim of this ignorant point of view.
Now, to forewarn you, this is somewhat of a rant. But I'm not just bitching, so please, hear me out.
Call me an alcoholic, ill own up to that one. Call me a pothead, it will at least entertain me. But to say I am a meth head shows complete and total ignorance about me, and the things I have been through in my life. If there is one thing I despise more than any other it is people running their flappy ass gums about things they know nothing about. The next thing on the list is meth, and meth heads.
The girl I loved more than anything in this world broke my heart several times because of this disgusting drug. I have tried it once, and hated it. That one time was not while I was with her. If you see me at work, its obvious that energy drinks and apples give me plenty of energy, some would say too much. Thats all anybody needs to know about it, and that is the most I will defend my position.
From what I hear, the comment made about me was "He was talking to (so and so) and (so and so) does hard drugs (meth) so anyone hanging out with him must be doing it too". Can you make a more ignorant statement? As soon as those words come out of your mouth, you might as well shove them straight up your ass, along with any reputation you may have as an intelligent person. That statement is the epitome of guilt by association.
Making a statement such as that, suggests that Jesus was a prostitute, a tax collector, which at the time was a very dishonorable position in society, and a murderer, as well as many other things. He was with these people trying to save their souls. I, as well as the person who said this, do a show every day, where Jesus dies because of guilt by association. I hope for their sake, and my job's sake, I don't find out who said it. However, I hope like hell they read this blog.
If anything good has come from this, I will at least be careful before I judge people based on who they hang out with. The writing below is about judgement, please enjoy, and thanks for listening to me bitch. I'll bust out another blog soon that actually means something, rather than just ranting.
Two Way Mirror
Decisions, Decisions
yours are yours
and mine are mine
A childhood lesson
like all men are created equal
your no better than me
and I am no better than you
somewhere in life you lost this notion
you think yours are yours
and mine are the worlds
for their discretion, rather, yours
I don't dissect your discrepancies
they are yours
yet, somehow you fabricated
a god that you created
took a bible holy
and made it soley
your own
that you are to judge
but not be judged
by even yourself
A two way mirror you hide behind
so that you can justify:
apathy, hateful retaliations,
that in your mind
with no self awareness,
due to MY decisions
are no crime
The God you distort
sees through your lies
and the two way mirror you hide behind.
The Bitter Sweet Nature of Fall
Sunday, October 21, 2007
The bitter sweet nature of fall
Hooray for fall! I finally have an excuse to wear sweaters, layers, straight-cut sweats, and those awesome mittens that you can fold the top half down on to expose your fingertips….ok…maybe not those, but wow, I love this season. It makes me feel comfortable in my own skin; rightfully so, as the temperatures tend to stay in a range of perfection through my eyes. Football thrives and I can taste the memories of the blood, sweat, and tears I endured in the days of my own football glory. The dry air is a catalyst for memories of all kinds to manifest themselves and take my mind, body, and soul to places of my past. This portal in time that our beautiful minds allow us to use is God's only gift of time travel and, in my opinion, his greatest gift to us; especially in fall, as my most treasured memories live here. I think of my first kiss. How her freezing cold nose felt on my cheek as it took me a good hour and a half of walking in the November rain (no guns and roses reference intended) to muster up the courage to make a move. I think of bonfires and whiskey and the amazing times that they created a setting for me and my friends to laugh and become connected on levels that I still am skeptical humans are capable of connecting on. I remember the warmth of the whiskey, and the girl who took over in providing the heat when the whiskey wore off because we were too stubborn to retire and leave the cool night, and our awesome friends, even though the sun was starting to break through the night and bring a new day. I still possessed innocent love at this age, and it felt so good to hold her so close that there was no room for even air to sneak in. It felt so good to just talk, without feeling bitter and nervous because of what the last person did with the information I revealed about myself. We were so young, and so free. We were invincible on those cool fall nights. From there, I begin to realize how things have changed, and how I no longer possess the ability to talk, and love, so freely. Inevitably, I come to the fact that I am bitter, and cold, and above all, lonely.
Not in all senses of the words. I don't display bitter, and I am still warm in my friendships. I still care about people and try to be sensitive to their situations. I believe strongly in the golden rule and practice it as much as possible. However, I find it hard sometimes to connect with people on deeper levels, especially in romantic situations. My defenses don't seem to let me. I feel the urges, I fight for them, and still I run from the possibility of really letting someone in. I wont beat a dead horse, as I have somewhat explained this in a previous blog, but not in the same way. Here, I am speaking mostly of romantic relationships.
The truth is people are shallow; were all guilty. I've caught myself being this way recently and I get this reoccurring epiphany showing me that I am being what I despise: Apathetic. Some people are good at hiding scars and forgetting them which allows them to be open and connect with other people, despite their past wounds. This leaves them with no understanding of why people like me, who aren't good at moving past these things, stay disconnected from others emotionally. I am labeled cold, and suddenly, the happiness of being liberated from being emotionally vulnerable becomes extremely and overwhelmingly lonely.
To me, there is nothing better in this world than to feel the warmth of a human being. I enjoy cuddling just as much as I enjoy sex, if not more. I experience the deepest emotional connection flow through me when I feel the warmth of a girl I love and feel her skin against mine. I feel as if I can not get close enough; that if I could only just get one more inch of my body on hers it would increase the contact surface area just enough for us to become one in all of our thoughts and emotions. I believe that due to the fact that I can not always speak how I feel, I can always display my love through my warmth: my energy, the inner life force we all share. This is why I am a "hug person". Even on a friendship level, that exchange of your warmth is an exchange of your love for that person. Therefore, to all my female friends, next time I give you big hugs don't think I'm trying to get boob on boob action. :-D
Nevertheless, as we move into cooler weather, my thought process will inevitably reach a state of loneliness. Every time I feel a wind chill, I will think about holding someone close. When I wake up and I am so cold I can not even brave the sting of coming out from under the covers, I will think about having someone there to keep us both warm. When I take walks to enjoy the colors of the trees as they die off for the coming winter, I'll think about that first kiss, and how I need that innocence and candor back in my life and back in my personality. Consequently, I'll remember how impossible that feat feels.
The song below was created from the main ideas in this blog, and this song inspired this blog. The words above are an explanation and analysis of this poetry. Please read, enjoy, and PLEASE drop me a line to let me know what ya think of them. I need comments and direction!
The Anonymous Goddess of Fall
I love rain on a cool fall night
If only someone to share this with
Life would finally seem right
Where do I stand when something so simple
When life is so consuming
That a tiny little ripple
in a river flowing with anger and sorrow
can reanimate a longing for tomorrow
To find the angel who eases the pain
So on a cool fall night we can enjoy the rain
I love the rain
On a cool fall night
The pain washes away
And life seems right
Except for empty arms screaming your name
Although I know nothing about you
I can firmly say
With all the energy of my existence , I love you
I just pray I have the privilege to meet you some day
The bitter sweet nature of fall
Hooray for fall! I finally have an excuse to wear sweaters, layers, straight-cut sweats, and those awesome mittens that you can fold the top half down on to expose your fingertips….ok…maybe not those, but wow, I love this season. It makes me feel comfortable in my own skin; rightfully so, as the temperatures tend to stay in a range of perfection through my eyes. Football thrives and I can taste the memories of the blood, sweat, and tears I endured in the days of my own football glory. The dry air is a catalyst for memories of all kinds to manifest themselves and take my mind, body, and soul to places of my past. This portal in time that our beautiful minds allow us to use is God's only gift of time travel and, in my opinion, his greatest gift to us; especially in fall, as my most treasured memories live here. I think of my first kiss. How her freezing cold nose felt on my cheek as it took me a good hour and a half of walking in the November rain (no guns and roses reference intended) to muster up the courage to make a move. I think of bonfires and whiskey and the amazing times that they created a setting for me and my friends to laugh and become connected on levels that I still am skeptical humans are capable of connecting on. I remember the warmth of the whiskey, and the girl who took over in providing the heat when the whiskey wore off because we were too stubborn to retire and leave the cool night, and our awesome friends, even though the sun was starting to break through the night and bring a new day. I still possessed innocent love at this age, and it felt so good to hold her so close that there was no room for even air to sneak in. It felt so good to just talk, without feeling bitter and nervous because of what the last person did with the information I revealed about myself. We were so young, and so free. We were invincible on those cool fall nights. From there, I begin to realize how things have changed, and how I no longer possess the ability to talk, and love, so freely. Inevitably, I come to the fact that I am bitter, and cold, and above all, lonely.
Not in all senses of the words. I don't display bitter, and I am still warm in my friendships. I still care about people and try to be sensitive to their situations. I believe strongly in the golden rule and practice it as much as possible. However, I find it hard sometimes to connect with people on deeper levels, especially in romantic situations. My defenses don't seem to let me. I feel the urges, I fight for them, and still I run from the possibility of really letting someone in. I wont beat a dead horse, as I have somewhat explained this in a previous blog, but not in the same way. Here, I am speaking mostly of romantic relationships.
The truth is people are shallow; were all guilty. I've caught myself being this way recently and I get this reoccurring epiphany showing me that I am being what I despise: Apathetic. Some people are good at hiding scars and forgetting them which allows them to be open and connect with other people, despite their past wounds. This leaves them with no understanding of why people like me, who aren't good at moving past these things, stay disconnected from others emotionally. I am labeled cold, and suddenly, the happiness of being liberated from being emotionally vulnerable becomes extremely and overwhelmingly lonely.
To me, there is nothing better in this world than to feel the warmth of a human being. I enjoy cuddling just as much as I enjoy sex, if not more. I experience the deepest emotional connection flow through me when I feel the warmth of a girl I love and feel her skin against mine. I feel as if I can not get close enough; that if I could only just get one more inch of my body on hers it would increase the contact surface area just enough for us to become one in all of our thoughts and emotions. I believe that due to the fact that I can not always speak how I feel, I can always display my love through my warmth: my energy, the inner life force we all share. This is why I am a "hug person". Even on a friendship level, that exchange of your warmth is an exchange of your love for that person. Therefore, to all my female friends, next time I give you big hugs don't think I'm trying to get boob on boob action. :-D
Nevertheless, as we move into cooler weather, my thought process will inevitably reach a state of loneliness. Every time I feel a wind chill, I will think about holding someone close. When I wake up and I am so cold I can not even brave the sting of coming out from under the covers, I will think about having someone there to keep us both warm. When I take walks to enjoy the colors of the trees as they die off for the coming winter, I'll think about that first kiss, and how I need that innocence and candor back in my life and back in my personality. Consequently, I'll remember how impossible that feat feels.
The song below was created from the main ideas in this blog, and this song inspired this blog. The words above are an explanation and analysis of this poetry. Please read, enjoy, and PLEASE drop me a line to let me know what ya think of them. I need comments and direction!
The Anonymous Goddess of Fall
I love rain on a cool fall night
If only someone to share this with
Life would finally seem right
Where do I stand when something so simple
When life is so consuming
That a tiny little ripple
in a river flowing with anger and sorrow
can reanimate a longing for tomorrow
To find the angel who eases the pain
So on a cool fall night we can enjoy the rain
I love the rain
On a cool fall night
The pain washes away
And life seems right
Except for empty arms screaming your name
Although I know nothing about you
I can firmly say
With all the energy of my existence , I love you
I just pray I have the privilege to meet you some day
Answers to Misconception
Friday, September 14, 2007
Answers to Misconception
As I was reading through a notebook containing my writings of the last year or so, (as I often do to reflect on my feelings and thoughts of the time, as well as check the validity of what I write), I came across something I had written almost a year ago today entitled "The Cover of a Soul". As I read the words, I had persistent thoughts of my last blog. Not necessarily the main idea of the last blog but the thoughts and ideas that manifested consequently.
I received a few comments that finally validated this writing. I had always felt as if I knew exactly what I was doing in social situations when I would either keep my mouth shut, or keep the conversation to small talk. I wont lie, I have things I want to hide from people (isn't that ironic…don't you think?). The fact of the matter is people are cruel, and it seems that in order to protect ones self from this attitude you have to do one of two things: Accept this attitude as well, or force your thoughts and opinions into dormancy in order to protect yourself from becoming a victim of an insecure person exploiting your discrepancies. Furthermore, I have also found that in a group of ignorant, uneducated people, your intelligence will acquire the same amount of cruelty. However, I am a very sensitive, caring person, and I refuse to become an empty shell of hate and cruelty just to protect myself from exploitation of wearing my heart on my sleeve.
This being said, I have forced myself into a habit of creating a façade in order to force people to underestimate me as they have no other basis to form an opinion. Originally it was rather entertaining. There is a certain temporary satisfaction in knowing that you have the upper hand on someone because they have labeled you an idiot while you surpass them in every category of intelligence yet to be theorized by man; however, when you are so afraid of being hurt, or of not being accepted, that the habit becomes your personality, you end up with those same fears staring you dead in the eyes. I find myself stumbling over words in face to face conversation; so frequently that unless I am truly comfortable in a social situation, the only occasion in which my intelligence manifests itself is through writing.
All of these statements summarize the reason why I have a complex with being emotionally close to anyone, including friends, family, and women in romantic relationships. I have not given up by any means, and I work very hard every day to reverse the effects of such a destructive behavior. The progress is slow but I am determined. I certainly do not want people that I am close with to drop me like a bad habit due to the fact that I will not be myself and show them how I care. In hindsight, I believe these words are for them:
The Cover of a Soul
Emotionally spayed
Until the lights fade
Tears fall in sync with pain
The darkness ensures you will never see me this way
Provisions are set to subtly evade
Any evidence of this red blood stain
Strategically frozen to a long black sleeve
For only a divine angel to see
Taking a look
At every torn page
That creates the inefficient book
That is my life's maze
Taking another look
At my blinding, misplaced rage
How it's ruined my outlook
Unable to turn the page
For the last time I look
For the angel but she
Sees what my insecurities took
And how I think I deserve better than me
Not better than me
But better than I portray myself
Though blinded eyes can't see
What really lies beneath
A lack of discipline
And self control
Creates this condition
That in no way reflects my soul
Answers to Misconception
As I was reading through a notebook containing my writings of the last year or so, (as I often do to reflect on my feelings and thoughts of the time, as well as check the validity of what I write), I came across something I had written almost a year ago today entitled "The Cover of a Soul". As I read the words, I had persistent thoughts of my last blog. Not necessarily the main idea of the last blog but the thoughts and ideas that manifested consequently.
I received a few comments that finally validated this writing. I had always felt as if I knew exactly what I was doing in social situations when I would either keep my mouth shut, or keep the conversation to small talk. I wont lie, I have things I want to hide from people (isn't that ironic…don't you think?). The fact of the matter is people are cruel, and it seems that in order to protect ones self from this attitude you have to do one of two things: Accept this attitude as well, or force your thoughts and opinions into dormancy in order to protect yourself from becoming a victim of an insecure person exploiting your discrepancies. Furthermore, I have also found that in a group of ignorant, uneducated people, your intelligence will acquire the same amount of cruelty. However, I am a very sensitive, caring person, and I refuse to become an empty shell of hate and cruelty just to protect myself from exploitation of wearing my heart on my sleeve.
This being said, I have forced myself into a habit of creating a façade in order to force people to underestimate me as they have no other basis to form an opinion. Originally it was rather entertaining. There is a certain temporary satisfaction in knowing that you have the upper hand on someone because they have labeled you an idiot while you surpass them in every category of intelligence yet to be theorized by man; however, when you are so afraid of being hurt, or of not being accepted, that the habit becomes your personality, you end up with those same fears staring you dead in the eyes. I find myself stumbling over words in face to face conversation; so frequently that unless I am truly comfortable in a social situation, the only occasion in which my intelligence manifests itself is through writing.
All of these statements summarize the reason why I have a complex with being emotionally close to anyone, including friends, family, and women in romantic relationships. I have not given up by any means, and I work very hard every day to reverse the effects of such a destructive behavior. The progress is slow but I am determined. I certainly do not want people that I am close with to drop me like a bad habit due to the fact that I will not be myself and show them how I care. In hindsight, I believe these words are for them:
The Cover of a Soul
Emotionally spayed
Until the lights fade
Tears fall in sync with pain
The darkness ensures you will never see me this way
Provisions are set to subtly evade
Any evidence of this red blood stain
Strategically frozen to a long black sleeve
For only a divine angel to see
Taking a look
At every torn page
That creates the inefficient book
That is my life's maze
Taking another look
At my blinding, misplaced rage
How it's ruined my outlook
Unable to turn the page
For the last time I look
For the angel but she
Sees what my insecurities took
And how I think I deserve better than me
Not better than me
But better than I portray myself
Though blinded eyes can't see
What really lies beneath
A lack of discipline
And self control
Creates this condition
That in no way reflects my soul
My Latest Release of Frustration
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
My latest release of frustration
So, if your involved with me at all you might have noticed that at the beginning of last week I disappeared. I had people texting me, sending myspace messages...I think I was a day away from being pronounced dead. I quit my job at liverpool legends which, i presume, led everyone to wonder what was going on.
To be honest, I havent even noticed the last month go by. Ive been having horrible dreams that plague my thoughts through out the entire day and I find myself genuinely stuck trying to figure out what happened to the last week, or at this point, the last month. I quit liverpool because I thought we were still on our second week of break. When I realized what I did, I was too embarrassed to tell them, so I just ran away from it. Like a scared little kid.
It stems from a very bad experience I had a couple of years ago and if you read my other blogs you might figure it out. It has been a struggle to keep my mind sound enough to do school work, mansion work, and still maintain a facade for my friends and acquaintances so I dont break down trying to tell people whats wrong. I dont want people to know my story. Some people who are very close to me do not even know. I suppose this is why I do not have friends that I am emotionally close with. You never know when they will do something to turn your world inside out. Trust is a complexity far beyond me at this point.
Anyhow, this blog was meant to explain the best I can so people dont think I am just a flake or I was simply ignoring them. Despite the trust factors, I love all my friends, and I hope you all know that. What finally brought me through this crap was, in all of this distraction of trying to repress this, I realized that I was not doing the one thing that I have done to truly release my emotions for the last ten years: writing. What I produced was not necessarily an explanation or epiphany about these emotions I have been experiencing, but I have come to realize they do not have to be. If I get out something productive that describes some aspect of my frustration , it brings me back to normal, productive thoughts, and I can become aware of my surroundings again. So, here it is. Enjoy
Not Guilty by Reason of Sanity
I just woke up in a jaded confusion
Although I watched every mistake
And noted every consequence as I went
I can only claim my consciousness repents
Pleading not guilty by reason of sanity
I have excuses for every discrepancy
A prerequisite of insanity is that you're unaware
So noting every consequence leaves me angry and scared
And wondering
Who, what, where the fuck am I
Is this god's little joke
Am I a test-tube testament
Of how useless knowledge is
Without necessary implement
Or do I create this condition in defiance
Am I a product of unconventional thought?
Concerning religion and denomination, refusing compliance
I'm not sorry and I don't believe that god is bought
I don't believe that my money reflects my power of prayer
Or that on Sunday god cares what designer name brand I wear
But I do believe that religion is a control of society's thoughts
And that I am labeled devious for thinking outside the box
The truth is our cognition is self empowering
But the weak seek a higher power for self control
I wake up jaded as I am constantly cowering
Because my knowledge is restricted to the thoughts of society
And their control
My latest release of frustration
So, if your involved with me at all you might have noticed that at the beginning of last week I disappeared. I had people texting me, sending myspace messages...I think I was a day away from being pronounced dead. I quit my job at liverpool legends which, i presume, led everyone to wonder what was going on.
To be honest, I havent even noticed the last month go by. Ive been having horrible dreams that plague my thoughts through out the entire day and I find myself genuinely stuck trying to figure out what happened to the last week, or at this point, the last month. I quit liverpool because I thought we were still on our second week of break. When I realized what I did, I was too embarrassed to tell them, so I just ran away from it. Like a scared little kid.
It stems from a very bad experience I had a couple of years ago and if you read my other blogs you might figure it out. It has been a struggle to keep my mind sound enough to do school work, mansion work, and still maintain a facade for my friends and acquaintances so I dont break down trying to tell people whats wrong. I dont want people to know my story. Some people who are very close to me do not even know. I suppose this is why I do not have friends that I am emotionally close with. You never know when they will do something to turn your world inside out. Trust is a complexity far beyond me at this point.
Anyhow, this blog was meant to explain the best I can so people dont think I am just a flake or I was simply ignoring them. Despite the trust factors, I love all my friends, and I hope you all know that. What finally brought me through this crap was, in all of this distraction of trying to repress this, I realized that I was not doing the one thing that I have done to truly release my emotions for the last ten years: writing. What I produced was not necessarily an explanation or epiphany about these emotions I have been experiencing, but I have come to realize they do not have to be. If I get out something productive that describes some aspect of my frustration , it brings me back to normal, productive thoughts, and I can become aware of my surroundings again. So, here it is. Enjoy
Not Guilty by Reason of Sanity
I just woke up in a jaded confusion
Although I watched every mistake
And noted every consequence as I went
I can only claim my consciousness repents
Pleading not guilty by reason of sanity
I have excuses for every discrepancy
A prerequisite of insanity is that you're unaware
So noting every consequence leaves me angry and scared
And wondering
Who, what, where the fuck am I
Is this god's little joke
Am I a test-tube testament
Of how useless knowledge is
Without necessary implement
Or do I create this condition in defiance
Am I a product of unconventional thought?
Concerning religion and denomination, refusing compliance
I'm not sorry and I don't believe that god is bought
I don't believe that my money reflects my power of prayer
Or that on Sunday god cares what designer name brand I wear
But I do believe that religion is a control of society's thoughts
And that I am labeled devious for thinking outside the box
The truth is our cognition is self empowering
But the weak seek a higher power for self control
I wake up jaded as I am constantly cowering
Because my knowledge is restricted to the thoughts of society
And their control
Monday, March 2, 2009
Something quick
Thursday, April 12, 2007
something written very quickly at about 3 in the morning....ive been busy...ok?...
opposites distract
how do opposite emotions co exist
according to principles
the distraction equals bliss
the harder happy winds blow
the vortex of lonely grows
this cyclone prepares to watch me implode
how did happy become so lonely
knowing what we want, what we need
but never knowing it will take us
from the knees up
feet walking lost in space
trying to find their way
to the meeting place
to find out why im never satisfied
moving forward with neck broke back
i wonder why this happy lacks
the feeling it gave me
when you said you loved me
why did you let lonely become happy
why did you hurt me looking straight into my eyes
why did you make me see that i need
to be happy on my own
to poke out the eye of this cyclone
will happy ever not be lonely
will i grow, will i climb
or will the storm inside never die
something written very quickly at about 3 in the morning....ive been busy...ok?...
opposites distract
how do opposite emotions co exist
according to principles
the distraction equals bliss
the harder happy winds blow
the vortex of lonely grows
this cyclone prepares to watch me implode
how did happy become so lonely
knowing what we want, what we need
but never knowing it will take us
from the knees up
feet walking lost in space
trying to find their way
to the meeting place
to find out why im never satisfied
moving forward with neck broke back
i wonder why this happy lacks
the feeling it gave me
when you said you loved me
why did you let lonely become happy
why did you hurt me looking straight into my eyes
why did you make me see that i need
to be happy on my own
to poke out the eye of this cyclone
will happy ever not be lonely
will i grow, will i climb
or will the storm inside never die
No one knows...
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
no one knows Category: Writing and Poetry
Indeed, no one knows this, but I write....and I mean...a lot....so much that I dont even edit or perfect anything...because something else is being written....some of its poetry, some of it is lyrics without written music...none yet anyways...but anyhow, I've been writing for about 10 years now, and Ive shown only a few people what ive written...only people that I would trust with my life have seen my writing, and thats because it basically is my life, in poetic form...it is my happiness, my failure, my romantic passion, my breakdowns, and my ever consuming depression which ive put my life force into hiding from the world. To me, these are sensitive things to make public. But as it grows more into a creative art, I feel the overwhelming need to share it. Here is one or two or maybe even three of what I have written recently. They are not edited, or perfected; they are exactly what were written at the time. Maybe if anyone has interest, I will start perfecting things, but up until this point, ive had no one to edit or perfect them for. Whether you like them, hate them, or just have a general comment, PLEASE message me, or comment the blog...any feedback is much appreciated... either way...enjoy.
A Hollow World
with every touch you make this harder
to keep this inside
my heart keeps stretching thinner than water
just to know why
everyday, beside me
those beautiful eyes
everyday, lie to me
so hollow inside
why
a question filled with answers
if i could only filter the truth
i could kill these parasitic cancers
and i could wake up next to you
with every touch she makes this harder
to look her in the eye
and keep from saying that i love her
if you could only tell me why
why does the world hide
from passion and spontaneous action
from exploring possibilities with the connection of eyes
that compatibility could be more divine
that theres more to process above your simple mind
that love is a complex bigger than money and time
that the walls of pride are temporary slaves
they only shadow love and create an endless maze
but maybe im the fool
maybe my pain stems from these views
after all, the world seems content
and my minds tortured, on a daily descent
(below is more of a poetic monologue than it is lyrics)
In Despiteful Memory(Written for my best, and upon exit from this life: worst, friend)
the consuming rage and endless discontent
creates a bitter soul that plans his own descent
ones demise can be chosen and executed
when he realizes the tragedy can be eluded
the sick selfishness that is homicide
your not really killing yourself
your killing the dreams in your mothers mind
your killing the love, that to your friends, you lied
you killed everyone you touched
if even for a minute, or a second
your malice now can not be judged
do you think you taught someone a lesson?
you left a coward
the legacy you leave behind
is measured in how much love you devoured
in sick, selfish, homicideyour own suicide
Anybody?
does anybody, feel the way i feel
doesnt anybody, see the truth thats real
does anybody, feel the pain the way i do
doesnt anybody, know that what i know is truth
these blinded guides
smashing their faces
ignoring the demise
the wound easily traces
look in the mirror
see the ugliness you hide
from smashing your faces
when you pretend to be so blind
does anybody, scratch the wounds to never heal
doesnt anybody, understand the pain i feel
doesnt anybody, see the weight of the torture in my soul
nobody, because i swore id never show
the worlds ignorance shines
as bright as the sun blinds
revealing darkness among evil minds
smashing their faces into their own lies
the worlds hate is now mine
not for me to initiate
but to feel deep inside
not to obliterate
but to torture my mind
does anybody, feel the way i feel
doesnt anybody, see the hate they conceal
does anybody, understand my seclusion
everybody understand, my depression is no delusion
my mind is so far from status quo
i refuse to accept these over-sized ego's
i refuse to neglect what my mind sees correct
i refuse to become a hateful hypocrite
with no sense of respect
this sets me far apart
if soul mates share a single heart
how much longer can i survive
until i discover the one who can revive
a lonely, sick and tired soul
growing cold
Love is not a Remedy
love is a word largely misunderstood
even by myself
and i never thought i could
misunderstand a word so pure
but the more i mature
i realize im trying to create a cure
for the madness and confusion
the hates intrusion
for which my mind has ran out of clever illusions
this mirage called love is not a remedy
for the hate i hold for my enemy
the more my hate grows
so does the love i boast
and the person i hate most
is now a mere ghost
or maybe the person as close
as a mirror
never have i thought about this any clearer
why the connection of eyes
can steal my heart in the dark
why i convince myself of these lies
that love is more divine
love is an atrocity
a defense mechanism catastrophe
blinding our own monstrosity
no one knows Category: Writing and Poetry
Indeed, no one knows this, but I write....and I mean...a lot....so much that I dont even edit or perfect anything...because something else is being written....some of its poetry, some of it is lyrics without written music...none yet anyways...but anyhow, I've been writing for about 10 years now, and Ive shown only a few people what ive written...only people that I would trust with my life have seen my writing, and thats because it basically is my life, in poetic form...it is my happiness, my failure, my romantic passion, my breakdowns, and my ever consuming depression which ive put my life force into hiding from the world. To me, these are sensitive things to make public. But as it grows more into a creative art, I feel the overwhelming need to share it. Here is one or two or maybe even three of what I have written recently. They are not edited, or perfected; they are exactly what were written at the time. Maybe if anyone has interest, I will start perfecting things, but up until this point, ive had no one to edit or perfect them for. Whether you like them, hate them, or just have a general comment, PLEASE message me, or comment the blog...any feedback is much appreciated... either way...enjoy.
A Hollow World
with every touch you make this harder
to keep this inside
my heart keeps stretching thinner than water
just to know why
everyday, beside me
those beautiful eyes
everyday, lie to me
so hollow inside
why
a question filled with answers
if i could only filter the truth
i could kill these parasitic cancers
and i could wake up next to you
with every touch she makes this harder
to look her in the eye
and keep from saying that i love her
if you could only tell me why
why does the world hide
from passion and spontaneous action
from exploring possibilities with the connection of eyes
that compatibility could be more divine
that theres more to process above your simple mind
that love is a complex bigger than money and time
that the walls of pride are temporary slaves
they only shadow love and create an endless maze
but maybe im the fool
maybe my pain stems from these views
after all, the world seems content
and my minds tortured, on a daily descent
(below is more of a poetic monologue than it is lyrics)
In Despiteful Memory(Written for my best, and upon exit from this life: worst, friend)
the consuming rage and endless discontent
creates a bitter soul that plans his own descent
ones demise can be chosen and executed
when he realizes the tragedy can be eluded
the sick selfishness that is homicide
your not really killing yourself
your killing the dreams in your mothers mind
your killing the love, that to your friends, you lied
you killed everyone you touched
if even for a minute, or a second
your malice now can not be judged
do you think you taught someone a lesson?
you left a coward
the legacy you leave behind
is measured in how much love you devoured
in sick, selfish, homicideyour own suicide
Anybody?
does anybody, feel the way i feel
doesnt anybody, see the truth thats real
does anybody, feel the pain the way i do
doesnt anybody, know that what i know is truth
these blinded guides
smashing their faces
ignoring the demise
the wound easily traces
look in the mirror
see the ugliness you hide
from smashing your faces
when you pretend to be so blind
does anybody, scratch the wounds to never heal
doesnt anybody, understand the pain i feel
doesnt anybody, see the weight of the torture in my soul
nobody, because i swore id never show
the worlds ignorance shines
as bright as the sun blinds
revealing darkness among evil minds
smashing their faces into their own lies
the worlds hate is now mine
not for me to initiate
but to feel deep inside
not to obliterate
but to torture my mind
does anybody, feel the way i feel
doesnt anybody, see the hate they conceal
does anybody, understand my seclusion
everybody understand, my depression is no delusion
my mind is so far from status quo
i refuse to accept these over-sized ego's
i refuse to neglect what my mind sees correct
i refuse to become a hateful hypocrite
with no sense of respect
this sets me far apart
if soul mates share a single heart
how much longer can i survive
until i discover the one who can revive
a lonely, sick and tired soul
growing cold
Love is not a Remedy
love is a word largely misunderstood
even by myself
and i never thought i could
misunderstand a word so pure
but the more i mature
i realize im trying to create a cure
for the madness and confusion
the hates intrusion
for which my mind has ran out of clever illusions
this mirage called love is not a remedy
for the hate i hold for my enemy
the more my hate grows
so does the love i boast
and the person i hate most
is now a mere ghost
or maybe the person as close
as a mirror
never have i thought about this any clearer
why the connection of eyes
can steal my heart in the dark
why i convince myself of these lies
that love is more divine
love is an atrocity
a defense mechanism catastrophe
blinding our own monstrosity
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