A Hero and a Villain

Tuesday, December 02, 2008


A Hero and a Villain

(An excerpt from the end of my original Essay I chose not to pursue)"Hearing "life is pain" come from her mouth broke my heart in such a way it's hard to describe. Such a sweet, caring person deserves better. Knowing that I, at some point, caused her pain, makes me feel helpless at the moment to try and give her better, even if i only have the chance to do so as a friend. Knowing that my issues caused her a piece of that pain is exactly what set this train of thought into motion and led me to a breakthrough. She did not deserve the impact of my issues. She deserved my trust, and had I placed it in her from the start, I wouldnt have caused her to be hurt at my hand. The importance of our friendship to me is the very thing that drew clarity to what God was doing in all of these hardships to salvage my life and show me how to start living right. Not just for her friendship, but for all of my relationships. Family, friends, and future romantic interests. I, as well as everyone, has the spirit of God within them. Therefore, we all have a huge potential to be very loving, understanding, humble, and intelligent people. My love is so deep and wide for my friends and family, they deserve nothing less than me living to that potential so they can see and believe just how deep and wide my love is. Using past tradgedies to create excuses to let them feel the impact of my issues shows only love for myself. It shows selfishness, not love. My neglect in properly dealing with past issues should not be someone else's burden to bear. At the time I wanted them to understand. I realize now I wanted them to understand so I could continue, and be justified in, my destructive way of acting through my issues while having their acceptance. I realize now, they resisted not only to protect themselves, but to try and break the cycle for my own good."

It's so clear now how my insecurities became a catalyst to blame everyone else for my pain.

My point to the blog before was going to be duality. It was huge, and excruciatingly long. But I realized that, by continuing to dwell on and analyze those issues, I was making an agreement within myself to continue making excuses for them and accept them. While they are full of emotion, which is beautiful, I have realized now more than ever how these issues enable me to hurt people I love and feel justified in doing so. This is my greatest barrier. Shutting off the path where our emotions are supposed to connect. I refuse to accept these issues anymore. I want to claim the responsibility of my own hapiness.

I'm almost in disbelief as all this clarity is coming to me on two hours of sleep and an exhausting day of anxiety. The 40 days and 40 nights Jesus spent in the desert comes to mind. Being fully rested gives strength to keep finding excuses to feel justified in acting through my issues. Being exhausted by recent events and lack of rest from anxiety, I am left with only enough energy to see the basics. My mind can no longer find all these complex paths to justify my dysfunctional thoughts. A blessing in disguise, as it shows me how God has never left me through all of this, and how he used these situations and exhaustion to create an opportunity for my mind to see clearly. He has also shown me clarity through things very familiar, such as a movie. Although I never made the connection before.

It's going to sound corny and cheesy at first but I promise if you stick with it, it will prove to have a lot of depth, and when you remove certain aspects and read into the metaphors, we all relate very well to pieces of every character. The movie that helped me see a lot of clarity in understanding and resolving my issues was Spiderman 3. Dont close the page! Hear me out, I promise you wont be dissapointed. If you are, you can tear me apart in the comments section. I don't mind.

First, think of issues as a catalyst to create their super powers, and dont think of the super powers in a literal sense. Think of them as the ability we never knew we had to do incredible good or bad depending on the choices we make with them. Sometimes they seem to fall out of the sky and infect us, much like the spider that bit Peter, or in the case of this particular movie, the symbiote that, again, fell from the sky, and leeched off of him. Other times, the path of our life creates them over time, like The Sandman, and his need for money to save his daughter's life. Running from our biggest issues out of fear of the consequences can create some of the biggest villains out of us, even with good intentions. Over time, it completely redesigns your mind and heart, and you become capable of doing many things, good and bad, you never could before. We see this when The Sandman is running from the police, a by-product of his initial issue, and as he falls in a hole running from it, his entire physical makeup is redesigned (much as your mental make up is) by the occupant of that hole. Think of the machine as years of depression. The choices you make in the eye of the storm are what define whether your actions are good or bad, regardless of the intentions. Now look at Harry, Peter's best friend, and, in this movie, his biggest enemy. His issues were passed down by family, and in the confusion of his father's suicide, he accuses Peter of killing him. In the midst of all his pain and confusion, his will to hurt ends up causing a traumatic experience. Peter, knowing that Harry is acting through his issues and being forced to defend himself, ends up hurting him badly, and forces him to repress the issues temporarily, though in the movie, it is displayed as a concussion that creates memory loss.

Traumatic experiences repress our issues, however, they will always resurface. As harry abuses alcohol, his repressed, forgotten issues come running back. Think of the symbiote that fell from the sky in a meteorite as Peter's unresolved issue of being responsible for not stopping the man who killed his uncle. He resolves it in an earlier movie by killing the man he thought was responsible. However, such an unhealthy resolution does not permanently mend his hurt. As he learns that Marco (sandman) was the real killer, the issue comes creeping back, unaware for some time that it's even there. As he discovers it's presence, he remembers the comfort of the issue, and how good it feels to no longer care about hurting people because of the pain you hold inside, or in his case, wear on the outside. Life issues will consume if you agree to let them. Using pity and causing hurt as a tool to make someone feel how you feel is dangerous because they may very well see through and create their own barrier that shoves it right back into you. They still do not relate, and now you have twice the pain. When Harry throws a bomb at Peter, he throws it back, and it blows up in his face, and creates a permanent scar. The difference between this and the fight that caused his concussion, is that in this instance, their issues were colliding, which is most often what creates the deepest scars. Much like Peter and Harry, when we force our issues on other people, it can create some of our biggest enemies. Peter humiliates Brock while acting through his issues, and as he finds a way to shed himself of the symbiote, it is passed directly to Brock, and his goal becomes to hurt Peter the same way he hurt him, using the same issue as ammunition. It's a dangerous game. I recently realized this about myself.

Achieving acceptance through pity and hurt does not show integrity or strength. It displays weakness and desperation. You owe yourself enough respect as a cognitive human being to share life and relationships with people who love you, not who feel sorry for you. I always knew this, but staring at yourself doing it for so long unaware that you were even doing it until someone turns on the light in front of the mirror reveals so much that, for once, I didnt feel sorry for myself. I was driven to take action in my own life in order to be someone I could trust in and who could trust in God and in his power and control over everything I do and interact with.

We are the only heroes that exist. Only we can save ourselves when we fail. Peter sought revenge because he couldnt forgive himself. He had the will to hurt another to inflict on them the pain he feels because of his own unresolved issue. Peter's inability to forgive himself for his mistakes drives him to make more. This seems to be a general theme with all of the characters. Peter and Harry were best friends, and their passion to hurt each other based on the hurt caused was much stronger because of their strong feelings for each other. The people you love dissapoint you the most when they do something that hurts you. Amidst the issues, we sometimes see glimpses of our ugliness and the wrong in our ways, but our issues allow us to justify it, and almost like it. As Peter thinks he has killed Marco, he catches himself in a mirror. At first, he is surprised at where his intentions have gone and his ability to commit such an act. However, just as quickly, he decides to wear it well, and combs his hair down in front of his face. He has accepted the issue and almost enjoys being able to inflict pain.This allows him to continue making the mistakes. Eventually, we lose ourselves altogether, and we dont even know who we are anymore. We see this in the jazz club where M.J. is working, and as he is fighting off everyone, he fights off the one person he cared about more than anything, M.J. He no longer knows who he is, because his issues (the symbiote) are controlling his every thought. He becomes capable of hurting the person he loves the most.

The choices we make to survive are what define our character. "We can always choose to do what's right." Villains and Heroes alike have good and bad intentions and decisions, which define whether they are heroic or villainous. The truth is we relate to them all because potentially, there is a hero and a villain inside all of us.

Our issues, however different, cause confusion which leads to anger and pain, and amidst the confusion can lead you to seek vengeance so the person seeming to hurt you can be just as hurt. This becomes increasingly detrimental to your relationships when you hurt someone completely innocent of your issues, because you're acting through your issues. Sometimes it takes the need of a mutual friend, and an outside perspective from someone we trust for us to find clarity and the original point of our good intentions. As M.J. is in trouble, Peter needs Harry's help, he declines, but as the butler explains his Father's suicide, he finds forgiveness and sees his mistakes, and comes to their aid. Sometimes we see how a lack of trust and closed ears prevent us from understanding and resolving the issue. This is further displayed as Marco explains to Peter the circumstances of his Uncle's murder. Peter is finally able to forgive himself, which leads to his forgiveness of Marco. Situations in life are rarely as they seem, and a trust issue often creates issues out of anything that revolves around trust. M.J. leaves Peter to protect him from Harry. Harry's assumption of Peter killing his father. Peter not only killing the wrong man over his uncle's murder, but completely mis-judging the entire situation. All these are examples of things not being as they seem and how our issues and will to knowledge can completely twist our perspective.

No matter how quickly you realize the hurt you've wrongly inflicted, apologies soon wear thin when the process is continually repeated. Finding yourself to prevent hurting them in the future is the only way to prove your sincerity and truly recieve forgiveness. The only chance we have to mend the hurt we've done is finding our hearts and finding who we truly are inside and revisiting our issues in order to find who we were before they began infecting our thoughts and actions as well as embracing the good in us, and showing humility in the process. This leads us to forgive ourselves, which is the most important step. I would be lying if i said I didnt cry when I finally analyzed and understood the metaphors of this movie and heard Aunt Mae's speech to Peter after he explains to her how he hurt M.J.: "You start by doing the hardest thing, you forgive yourself. I believe in you Peter. You're a good person, and I know you will find a way to put it right...In time"

The reason this movie, and the trilogy as a whole, was such a big hit is because when you remove the super power aspect of the movie, there is still a great story behind it and if we look into the metaphors of the situations, we identify with every character. We all make choices, hundreds if not thousands of them every day. We have all made good ones, and bad ones, and we have all let issues effect them, whether it be in a good or bad way.

I'm not saying someone who has been through a traumatic experience or experiences doesnt have a reason to act through issues. However, after years and years, those reasons become excuses to neglect dealing with those issues, and they begin to stack and amplify new ones that come about. Your loved ones will only feel hurt as all they can see is how selfish it seems that you wont deal with your issues even to salvage the relationship. Repression is a neccesary tool. It is a gift from god. However, just as with any gift from god, you have to seek his wisdom in when and how to use it. You have to think of it as a temporary relief to keep yourself from letting the people you love feel the impact of your issues. Think of it as a makeshift tourniquet. A piece of cloth you tie tightly close to a wound to seperate it from your heart to keep from bleeding to death on the people around you. Eventually, you have to mend the wound. Repression can not last forever and the infection of an open wound will quickly spread. Repression should not be used as a permanent mend, but as a temporary relief to save yourself and your relationships. On another level though, I have to slightly negate myself. Trying to shut off emotions is like trying to drape a thin sheet full of tiny holes over a spotlight. Your true colors will always shine through, only worse, it will only shine little pieces and confuse everyone including yourself. In my opinion, god gave us every emotion you contain, even those viewed as negative. They are beautiful, and no emotion is negative at it's beginning. What makes them negative is how you decide to use it. When you feel an emotion you think is negative, you are being tested. There are two strong forces watching, and they want opposite reactions. God does not want you to ignore these emotions. He wants you to make good decisions with them. Decisions that will help you maintain a healthy heart.

When your heart is broken and you don't allow god to mend it, the stagnant air in the crevice deteriorates the two pieces and it becomes brittle, and everytime you are hurt, it begins to shatter. The years of neglected issues becomes a river of pain that flows through the empty spaces and controls all of your thoughts and intentions. When you try to use your heart amidst the pain, it erodes slowly at the pieces still intact and has a tendency to use those pieces of your heart mixed with the pain to make good intentions go very wrong. Misplaced convictions can create the most fierce monsters and turn good intentions into destructive forces. Eventually the pain will wash away everything until the space where your heart was becomes a big ball of pain, and mere remnants are the only thing left. Take the physical heart for example, when you keep feeding your body unhealthy food, the unhealthy ingredients build up in your circulatory system and eventually to your heart and begin to seep in and close it off. The heart can no longer function, and results in major surgery or death, much like your true self has died with a heart full of pain. The walking dead. The difference is, it's never too late to let God be your surgeon, even after you've completely lost yourself.

I know that some view religion and spirituality as a crutch, or a drug, or an escape, and that using it to fix your issues is just as dysfunctional as never dealing with them. I relate well as I have thought it quite often. I find it ironic, but no coincidence, that those thoughts and that process is the very thing that has made me hold onto them for so long. I've come to believe if I live my convictions of faith and heal my wounds and issues and seek hapiness through my faith and love and trust in God the only thing I have to lose is something I am happy to lose, and that is an eternity in hell.

Below is some poetry that best describes my feelings over the last few months. "Sorry's" is the only one written recently, and my feelings have changed a lot since I wrote it. The others were written quite some time ago, but involved similar situations...part of what led me to see the cyclic order of my neglected issues. Below the poetry are the positive notes from the essay on duality I chose not to post. They were much shorter than the negative notes, so you can imagine how long it was. They are listed, no transitions, it is important to me however, that they be read. They are just as important as this blog, I just didnt know how to fit them in and also didnt wanna kill people or lose people with an essay that looked like a book. Take your time with them if need be, but please check em out.

A Healthy Heart
Have you ever been so sick of yourself
its like all you needed was someone else
accountability could cure your addictions
but who's responsible for your convictions

romantic interest could change my intentions
lead me down a path of intelligent decisions
but who wants the parental responsibility
my love and respect has to come from within me

from the start
a healthy heart
attracts the same
I am to blame

for my discontent
they are not blind to my love
but observant of my intent
seeking an excuse to repent

my love and respect has to come from within
i must become exactly what I want from them



The Beaten Path

if you ever feel like giving up on me
take a ticket, its your number, prepare your bags to leave
there's a well traveled path and it leads
from my broken heart to whatever it is you need

that I cant provide
that you cant confide in
as time flies by it becomes harder to define
why someone to love is so hard to find in

my world
my lovely lonely disgusting world

in the midst of my weakness
how do i conjure such strength
with arms that could span to embrace the world
why do i hold them at such lengths




Duality

This gauntlet of acceptance has me evading identity
losing who I was and am to smooth the rigidity
purging pride and shame alike to reclaim my anonimity
while simultaneously fighting an opposite battle to define my pride and shine imminently

This duality has become an exponential nightmare
I am everything and everyone and nothing and no one
exhaustion is inevitable and will subtly wear
on my integrity, personality, and soon no one will be there

but the vultures of this who feed
are building walls that bleed
the demons that feed off selling your soul for acceptance
are building your cell to ensure you can't breathe

If i could tear down the walls
and disarm all the halls
I would paint them in sunshine and plaid





Falling for a friend

Ignoring all the voices
forcing out of me the choices
exploring all the possibilities
imploring you to see

these voices, they mean nothing
the choices always count for something
afraid I'll never see the end
of falling for a friend

feels like a million tiny needles
not stabbing, but scraping
reminding me we are feeble
not grasping, but taking

the innocence in the making
taking what should not be mine
the ignorance we're both faking
making this a lie

falling for a friendit is the end
the happiness descends

falling for you wasnt meant to be this way
it leaves me cold and blank
dumbfounded with a lie
long before i had to decide

this was important to me
but not as much as this
a friendship lasts forever
but right now this

I thought I was lonely
I was wrong because this
I thought I needed more
from you but this

this is the end
of falling for a friend
never let your feelings smother
a friendship like this

I never wanted this
hapiness has reached descent
falling for a friend
it is the end

(part 2)

intoxication for a friend
I'd trade that moment in time
for any body bearing limb
insensitive and unkind

I can pray but angels can't turn back time
they can only use the present to mend
but with ears tightly shut, the angels dont lie
I'll never let you hear me scream again, because i know you wont bend

I can pray
but angels cant tell a lie
the wounds of my failure
will only heal with time

if I could trade that moment in time
for any body bearing limb
my toungue would be removed
so i could never make that mistake again




Complicated

If we decide our fate
if we are free without debate
if we've been given reason to relate
why is the world chained to hate

as if a slave, they use and abuse
feed and augment to project ignorant views
oppressed and depraved by the insufficient news
broken media, broken people, broken world

but i refuse

to shut my eyes and cover my ears
while you send people to kill and die over false exaggerated fears
will you alone console thousands of families and catch all their tears
when their sons and daughters die for your fabricated, anxious, over-zealous, gut instinct "idears"?

this world requires over-analysis to simplify
this world sees me complicating, I see them complicated
this world mocks me for using thought to it's potential
I see a solution so simple

but their will to power, greed, and ignorant hate is so damn complicated

if we've been given reason to relate
why do we continue to complicate our hate
this world is broken
but im shatter resistant




Sorry's

I dont know how to be myself
I dont know how to be anyone else
I dont know how to please, compliment or tease
but im really good at killing things

so sick of all the sorry's
but i dont know how to make things right
so sick of all the feelings
that im not even worth a friendship

right now

im sorry im not sorry anymore
i was sorry for wanting more
but as our colors shine and mesh i can see
the reflection of why im nothing more

right now

all i wanted was a closer friend
and im sorry I lost the energy
but feeling worthless as a grown ass man
quickly drains my will to proceed

right now

im sorry im not sorry anymore
im thankful if nothing more
for being shot down to where i should be
looking up at how much you're too good for me

right now

im sorry the words keep flowing to you
from my mouth, im sorry I adore you
im sorry i trust you more than anyone else
im sorry I feel your better than everyone else

right now

i could handle friends and nothing more
so im sorry im not sorry anymore





There is a fine line between being self aware and insecure. Being self aware should lead to self improvement. Insecurities lead to finding excuses to blame everyone else for your negative qualities. Self esteem plays a huge roll in which side of that line you end up on. Ironically, and almost insanely, the worse your self esteem, the more you tend to blame other people, unaware that it's even happening. Denial at it's best.

An intelligent mind with a huge capacity for duality and a dash of paranoia can create opinions and blame and entire situations that are, in reality, much to the contrare. Things are rarely as they seem to begin with. Knowing this and trying to have the knowledge of god in order to see everything without veil and to attempt to control it actually disguises the situation even more. In my opinion, this is god trying to remind you that there is a time, which comes more often than we think, to step back, trust him, and focus your mind on more productive things.

I've never felt such progress and openness and awareness about who I am and who another person is out of a single conversation. The only thing more I could have asked for is something only i had control over, and that was better circumstances for the conversation. nevertheless, she did have the conversation with me. This is why I consider her one of my most valuable friends. I think everyone should have as many of these as possible. People you can just talk to about life and love and god, but instead of arguing opinions, relating to and learning from one another. In my opinion, that is the best way to reach the most enlightenment about life, love, god, and who we are as people, united. Her insight into who I really was despite all my issues on the surface is the only thing that saved our friendship, and possibly me wasting more of my life blind and unaware of who I really am because I always drive the people I should trust the most away because I won't mend my heart and resolve my neglected issues. Her perseverance is the main catalyst in my breakthrough. I am so grateful and thank God he blessed me with such an awesome person in my life in a time when I needed it most. All this time I thought I was analyzing and dwelling to find the truth. In reality, it was to ignore the truth. The whole situation has reaffirmed my belief that things are not always as they seem, and thinking too much and being paranoid only worsens your perspective and therefore your ability to view a situation clearly.

It's amazing to watch fate happen. How one or two minor occurences, seconds of time, can completely flip a situation and sometimes turn horrible things into extremely good ones. I write this in tears, as God has suddenly shown me how he answered all my begging for something to come and help me make sense of it all so i could really start living life. It is truly amazing to look back and see how everything is woven to create an immaculate masterpiece. Had I not experienced all that I have, the tradgedies, the heartaches, the struggles, the addictions, I would have never seen things as clearly as I do now, and would still be under the veil of the institution of modernized christianity.

Searching for the meaning of our life and of the situations in our life is the very thing that twists our perspective of God and of his intentions. The path to clarity is not information, it is faith. This is why I dont believe in denominations. They have clouded God's intentions by trying to utterly define them, rather than having faith in his guidance. As humans, it is absurd to think we can fully understand God's plan and intentions. When we search too deep and obsess over knowledge we werent meant to know in a world full of hate, anger, and desperation, we most often arrive at the worst possible conclusion. This lack of faith in God's plan is ironically the very thing that diminishes any faith we might have had. His counterpart is clever, and while I firmly believe we can never grasp God's plan fully, because it negates faith, I do believe we can completely understand the works of evil against us if we think, have faith, and keep our eyes wide open for clarity, and tightly shut for prayer.

"You are never a great man when you have more mind than heart" -Beauchene

Jesus spoke of true life in metaphors and seemingly unmeaningful stories. Sometimes we find the most truth where there seems to be none. Some things in life we were not meant to be certain about, and sometimes, that draws the best clarity to a situation.

Although it can be hurtful watching someone you appreciate so much push away from you for reasons unknown, you have to respect what they want, especially your friends, and the role they want you to play in their lives. Take the time to step back and reflect on where God wants you while THEY define your role in their life. If you arent considering what they truly want in life, then you dont have love for them at all, because it didnt come from the heart. Also, you have to take their answers for what they are and not obsess over the details that led to their decisions. There are certain things that are better left alone and wondering can sometimes be the best possible solution to a situation. You just have to stay positive and trust that you are exactly where you are supposed to be and that everything happened according to god's plan. Sometimes you are pleasantly surprised to find the cause was something you could do nothing about. However, most often, that only happens if you stay patient, and still and hopeful.

As I observed her frustration, it clicked. She had the pieces of our puzzle neatly organized, yet in no specific order. Every piece was out there, and rather than slowly letting it all come together at once, I removed all of the pieces except for the edges. I need everything so rigidly defined and to a refined process, rather than just trusting and letting it all come together.Emotions were not meant to be turned off and on like a switch. Looking back, that lack of mystery that emotions and omitted confessions creates is the only reason we are alive. What would life be worth if everything were black and white and rigidly defined? I realize I imagined this sort of life out of fear because I knew that I forgot how to trust and feel from my heart.

Hooray for fall...ok, so it's been crap so far. Seemingly bad actually, as i have discovered so many things about myself through out the situations. Remember my last blog when I said I had all the info I needed to fix myself and that was the last blog on the subjects? Ya, I lied. All the info was there but a lot of it was actually the opposite of what I was striving for, and also blaming other people for my insecurities. The recent events that have revealed so much have shown me how cold and absent of heart my ideas really were. In theory, in a human world, the ideas sound great. But as God has started to unfold his plan in front of my eyes, Ive begun to re-asess my life and how I approach it. If you could see the negative points originally meant for the duality blog, you would see how much my eyes have opened, it's like night and day. I should start by saying I have been stressed to the max. It's affected some more than others. It started with warrants and court dates, continued with a good friend being diagnosed with cancer, as well as rejection which I was so confident I knew how to handle, and ended in the loss of my Father.

I've watched myself single-handedly and systematically sabotage every oppurtunity to advance in life and my relationships.

Finding a soulmate is not going to be some divine intervention where you discover you have the same exact hearts and minds. There will always be differences. Finding a soulmate is about finding a person who you will willingly and readily, listen to, observe, and fulfill all of their needs because you trust them and love them enough to know that any of their needs are worthwhile because they are no longer just their needs, but yours as well because you are no longer two seperate people, you are one, united. This is the intimacy two people share in a relationship and marriage in my opinion. What needs to mesh in finding a partner or soulmate is that your most honest and essential needs in life are either shared, or that you are both capable of meeting each others needs. Comunication and trust are two major factors in first finding those needs, and expressing them. Without that, you cant even know if you should be soulmates or marriage partners, because you dont even know what the needs of the other person are.

I don't care if this is a masterpiece or not, that isnt the point anymore. I've realized through all of this that some things should be kept to myself until I truly discover what God is doing. I have a lot of creative writing to do and share, and that's what this was supposed to be about. I turned it into a false representation of myself based on how I thought I felt. This is merely to clear things up, one last time, and to start showing my talent from here on, rather than my drama.

All my social experiments I use to weed out the friends I dont want ironically end up pushing away the ones I do want. They see through, and it stunts trust. The very quality I look for (seeing through) forces them away from me. Also, I become so self absorbed in these tests of character and boundaries, I fail to really know any of them at all.

When I state how i think things should be, or how people should think and act, I'm most often speaking of how I wish I would think and act because I know it is the right way. However, most often, I am doing something much different. When you see me do the opposite of what I've written, it is not because I'm a hypocrit, It is because I learned a lesson in my mistake, and I share those lessons so that another person may not have to make the mistakes I have. Labeling me a hypocrit for this will get you a label as well: Judgemental. Even after learning a lesson I may make the same mistake again. Thats life, and if you say you've never done that you are not being honest. My point is, im not speaking from a pedestal, but from experience.

Though I know the correct and fulfilling side of my duality, the scars I carry that prevent me from trusting anyone including myself leave me acting on the wrong side of my duality. This is my failure.

These blogs were basically journal entries. I was sincere with every word. There was nothing fake or decietful, so I can not feel bad about the contradictions. Ironically, I write so people might know me better. However, the less you know someone, the greater impact their writing will have on you. Especially in my case where people see me doing the opposite of what I write. I understand my friends being frustrated and losing hope knowing that I have so much potential and watching me continually ignore what I know is right and self destructing. I am in full confidence, however, that they will no longer feel that frustration, as I am ready to start living my life to my fullest potential.

When we become so desperate to be understood and accepted, the confusion turns to anger and we feel like the only way to make them understand our hurt is by hurting them just the same. It becomes cyclic, and increasingly dangerous, because eventually it pushes everyone away, our desperation is augmented, and therefore so is our anger and will to hurt. Pity is a dangerous tool. Expectations are dangerous and have no place in a relationship of any kind. People are who they are and they change all the time. If your love is unconditional, you don't need expectations, because you will love them all the same, through thick and thin, no matter what may come.