Ear to Ear

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Ear to Ear

Over the course of my life my confidence has been shattered by many people. I allowed some of these people to do it on several occasions over long periods of time. I've started to become somewhat immune to these acts of destruction, but through it all I have always held confidence in one thing, my smile. From as early as my memory will serve me I've recieved compliments on my smile and the charisma and joy it spreads. I enjoy nothing more than to share my smile with others. I know when someone smiles at me it can, at least for a moment, make me forget any negative thoughts im thinking at the moment. I love shooting someone a smile and reliveing them of anything negative on their mind, even if only for a second. It's difficult to think negatively while wearing a genuine smile. I begin to realize how important eye contact is as well, and realize how important my face is in my relationships and communications. The last few days I've greatly missed my ability to smile.

I made a complete fool out of myself Monday and for those of you who were lucky enough to experience it I sincerely apologize. I'm sure its a much bigger deal to me than it is to anyone else, however, I was raised with a strict sense of respect, especially in the way I talk to Women. I know I crossed the boundary I had set in my own mind with at least two people and to them I extend my deepest apologies. Just being that intoxicated around my friends and honorary mansion family gives me a feeling of shame and disrespect. I think my biggest sense of disrespect right now is to myself, and my face. I believe God is trying to tell me I need to slow my life down; or to speed it up in regards to responsibility.

The point is, my punishment is my shame. Most days at work, I spend making rounds trying to make my friends smile. However, now, the people I want to talk to most, I avoid for the most part. I make just enough contact to let them know they arent the problem. I know if I talk to them I cant smile (because it hurts), I dont want to make eye contact, because I see their eyes slip down and they are reminded of the foolish jack ass I displayed so freely. Some may feel blessed, as I get pretty hyper at work and come up with some pretty off the wall conversations to start.To be honest though, it's been a long time since i felt genuinely awkward. I despise awkward feelings. Especially when they rise from a situation such as this where I have created the pressure. A lesson learned indeed. It's reinforced all my realizations that i need to be reaching my potential and shining my talents rather then displaying someone i'm not to escape who I am, especially in the form of drinking mass amounts of alcohol. I have my excuses, but no reasons. I want to display my intelligence without the overwhelming insecurities that follow. I want to be approachable. I want people to feel comfortable talking to me about anything. I want people to be able to confront me with any issues and resolve them with me. I am a happy person stuck with a mind that never stops to even let me sleep. I relieve myself of the negatives and my over analysis through my writing, and if I feel the need to share them, I blog them for my friends. I'm much better at writing my thoughts than having face to face conversations about them. Aside from that, I try to posess positive thoughts and spread them as much as possible. It all just reminds me how important our faces are in our personal relations; both our physical face and the cover of ourselves we choose to display to others. Realizing this importance, leads me to believe the only thing more important that I could lose would be something a bit more permanent, my life. I've been known to test God, especially on two wheels (occasionally one), but I think this time I'll take the hint. Like I said, I'm sure its not that big of a deal to everyone else, and I still don't mind talking about it or even laughing about it. I dont get stuck in perspectives, I hold many at once, and I have genuinely laughed at myself and the situation. But still, I cant yet forgive myself for the disrespect to my friends and "family", and myself, for not reaching and portraying who I really am and my potential to succeed greatly in this life. I also apologize if the apologies are getting tired by the end if this.....ya.... I just wanna get back to spreading smiles is all :-D

This is the second blog I've written on this subject cause the first one went bye bye when my comp restarted itself (stupid windows errors), so it may have some things oddly placed as I was trying to remember how I wrote the first one. Anyways, If you read it, drop me a line, or grab me at work and let me know what ya think. Criticism is appreciated, and Ive only gotten it from one person! and she was so tactful I didnt even know she was doing it at the time, so ive yet to say thanks, or fix it....but maybe soon :) this poetry crap below actually goes with the last blog, but pertains a lot to this one too....oh and its not really crap...but...ya...enjoy....

Follow Your Heart
When the societal perspective fails as an underlying propriety
The victim becomes the mind considered flawed
When the conscience fails as the same
The victims become the innocent pawns

This is my plea to my heart

Please dont drink my life away
Please dont numb away my right and wrong
Please listen to the advice from my brain
The hearts will doesnt always last as long

And they've always said to follow your heart

But when it feels so much so intense so quick
All at once and forces your mind to bend
The priority becomes a way to dull the sense
I try to follow jaded but it drags me to the pits

When the mind breaks past the programming of tradition
And monotonously chews through the chains, refusing submission
When your heart shouts more and your brain starts to follow
Because your biggest fear is becoming shallow and hollow

This is my plea to my heart

Please let my mind remain sane
Support the facade, dont display the pain
Theyve become egocentric
They see no more than a game

Please dont drink my life away
Dominate their simple game
This is my plea to my heart