Answers to Misconception

Friday, September 14, 2007

Answers to Misconception

As I was reading through a notebook containing my writings of the last year or so, (as I often do to reflect on my feelings and thoughts of the time, as well as check the validity of what I write), I came across something I had written almost a year ago today entitled "The Cover of a Soul". As I read the words, I had persistent thoughts of my last blog. Not necessarily the main idea of the last blog but the thoughts and ideas that manifested consequently.

I received a few comments that finally validated this writing. I had always felt as if I knew exactly what I was doing in social situations when I would either keep my mouth shut, or keep the conversation to small talk. I wont lie, I have things I want to hide from people (isn't that ironic…don't you think?). The fact of the matter is people are cruel, and it seems that in order to protect ones self from this attitude you have to do one of two things: Accept this attitude as well, or force your thoughts and opinions into dormancy in order to protect yourself from becoming a victim of an insecure person exploiting your discrepancies. Furthermore, I have also found that in a group of ignorant, uneducated people, your intelligence will acquire the same amount of cruelty. However, I am a very sensitive, caring person, and I refuse to become an empty shell of hate and cruelty just to protect myself from exploitation of wearing my heart on my sleeve.
This being said, I have forced myself into a habit of creating a façade in order to force people to underestimate me as they have no other basis to form an opinion. Originally it was rather entertaining. There is a certain temporary satisfaction in knowing that you have the upper hand on someone because they have labeled you an idiot while you surpass them in every category of intelligence yet to be theorized by man; however, when you are so afraid of being hurt, or of not being accepted, that the habit becomes your personality, you end up with those same fears staring you dead in the eyes. I find myself stumbling over words in face to face conversation; so frequently that unless I am truly comfortable in a social situation, the only occasion in which my intelligence manifests itself is through writing.

All of these statements summarize the reason why I have a complex with being emotionally close to anyone, including friends, family, and women in romantic relationships. I have not given up by any means, and I work very hard every day to reverse the effects of such a destructive behavior. The progress is slow but I am determined. I certainly do not want people that I am close with to drop me like a bad habit due to the fact that I will not be myself and show them how I care. In hindsight, I believe these words are for them:

The Cover of a Soul

Emotionally spayed
Until the lights fade
Tears fall in sync with pain
The darkness ensures you will never see me this way

Provisions are set to subtly evade
Any evidence of this red blood stain
Strategically frozen to a long black sleeve
For only a divine angel to see

Taking a look
At every torn page
That creates the inefficient book
That is my life's maze

Taking another look
At my blinding, misplaced rage
How it's ruined my outlook
Unable to turn the page

For the last time I look
For the angel but she
Sees what my insecurities took
And how I think I deserve better than me

Not better than me
But better than I portray myself
Though blinded eyes can't see
What really lies beneath

A lack of discipline
And self control
Creates this condition
That in no way reflects my soul