The Bitter Sweet Nature of Fall

Sunday, October 21, 2007
The bitter sweet nature of fall

Hooray for fall! I finally have an excuse to wear sweaters, layers, straight-cut sweats, and those awesome mittens that you can fold the top half down on to expose your fingertips….ok…maybe not those, but wow, I love this season. It makes me feel comfortable in my own skin; rightfully so, as the temperatures tend to stay in a range of perfection through my eyes. Football thrives and I can taste the memories of the blood, sweat, and tears I endured in the days of my own football glory. The dry air is a catalyst for memories of all kinds to manifest themselves and take my mind, body, and soul to places of my past. This portal in time that our beautiful minds allow us to use is God's only gift of time travel and, in my opinion, his greatest gift to us; especially in fall, as my most treasured memories live here. I think of my first kiss. How her freezing cold nose felt on my cheek as it took me a good hour and a half of walking in the November rain (no guns and roses reference intended) to muster up the courage to make a move. I think of bonfires and whiskey and the amazing times that they created a setting for me and my friends to laugh and become connected on levels that I still am skeptical humans are capable of connecting on. I remember the warmth of the whiskey, and the girl who took over in providing the heat when the whiskey wore off because we were too stubborn to retire and leave the cool night, and our awesome friends, even though the sun was starting to break through the night and bring a new day. I still possessed innocent love at this age, and it felt so good to hold her so close that there was no room for even air to sneak in. It felt so good to just talk, without feeling bitter and nervous because of what the last person did with the information I revealed about myself. We were so young, and so free. We were invincible on those cool fall nights. From there, I begin to realize how things have changed, and how I no longer possess the ability to talk, and love, so freely. Inevitably, I come to the fact that I am bitter, and cold, and above all, lonely.

Not in all senses of the words. I don't display bitter, and I am still warm in my friendships. I still care about people and try to be sensitive to their situations. I believe strongly in the golden rule and practice it as much as possible. However, I find it hard sometimes to connect with people on deeper levels, especially in romantic situations. My defenses don't seem to let me. I feel the urges, I fight for them, and still I run from the possibility of really letting someone in. I wont beat a dead horse, as I have somewhat explained this in a previous blog, but not in the same way. Here, I am speaking mostly of romantic relationships.

The truth is people are shallow; were all guilty. I've caught myself being this way recently and I get this reoccurring epiphany showing me that I am being what I despise: Apathetic. Some people are good at hiding scars and forgetting them which allows them to be open and connect with other people, despite their past wounds. This leaves them with no understanding of why people like me, who aren't good at moving past these things, stay disconnected from others emotionally. I am labeled cold, and suddenly, the happiness of being liberated from being emotionally vulnerable becomes extremely and overwhelmingly lonely.

To me, there is nothing better in this world than to feel the warmth of a human being. I enjoy cuddling just as much as I enjoy sex, if not more. I experience the deepest emotional connection flow through me when I feel the warmth of a girl I love and feel her skin against mine. I feel as if I can not get close enough; that if I could only just get one more inch of my body on hers it would increase the contact surface area just enough for us to become one in all of our thoughts and emotions. I believe that due to the fact that I can not always speak how I feel, I can always display my love through my warmth: my energy, the inner life force we all share. This is why I am a "hug person". Even on a friendship level, that exchange of your warmth is an exchange of your love for that person. Therefore, to all my female friends, next time I give you big hugs don't think I'm trying to get boob on boob action. :-D

Nevertheless, as we move into cooler weather, my thought process will inevitably reach a state of loneliness. Every time I feel a wind chill, I will think about holding someone close. When I wake up and I am so cold I can not even brave the sting of coming out from under the covers, I will think about having someone there to keep us both warm. When I take walks to enjoy the colors of the trees as they die off for the coming winter, I'll think about that first kiss, and how I need that innocence and candor back in my life and back in my personality. Consequently, I'll remember how impossible that feat feels.

The song below was created from the main ideas in this blog, and this song inspired this blog. The words above are an explanation and analysis of this poetry. Please read, enjoy, and PLEASE drop me a line to let me know what ya think of them. I need comments and direction!

The Anonymous Goddess of Fall

I love rain on a cool fall night
If only someone to share this with
Life would finally seem right

Where do I stand when something so simple
When life is so consuming
That a tiny little ripple
in a river flowing with anger and sorrow
can reanimate a longing for tomorrow
To find the angel who eases the pain
So on a cool fall night we can enjoy the rain

I love the rain
On a cool fall night
The pain washes away
And life seems right
Except for empty arms screaming your name
Although I know nothing about you
I can firmly say
With all the energy of my existence , I love you
I just pray I have the privilege to meet you some day