My Latest Release of Frustration

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

My latest release of frustration

So, if your involved with me at all you might have noticed that at the beginning of last week I disappeared. I had people texting me, sending myspace messages...I think I was a day away from being pronounced dead. I quit my job at liverpool legends which, i presume, led everyone to wonder what was going on.

To be honest, I havent even noticed the last month go by. Ive been having horrible dreams that plague my thoughts through out the entire day and I find myself genuinely stuck trying to figure out what happened to the last week, or at this point, the last month. I quit liverpool because I thought we were still on our second week of break. When I realized what I did, I was too embarrassed to tell them, so I just ran away from it. Like a scared little kid.

It stems from a very bad experience I had a couple of years ago and if you read my other blogs you might figure it out. It has been a struggle to keep my mind sound enough to do school work, mansion work, and still maintain a facade for my friends and acquaintances so I dont break down trying to tell people whats wrong. I dont want people to know my story. Some people who are very close to me do not even know. I suppose this is why I do not have friends that I am emotionally close with. You never know when they will do something to turn your world inside out. Trust is a complexity far beyond me at this point.

Anyhow, this blog was meant to explain the best I can so people dont think I am just a flake or I was simply ignoring them. Despite the trust factors, I love all my friends, and I hope you all know that. What finally brought me through this crap was, in all of this distraction of trying to repress this, I realized that I was not doing the one thing that I have done to truly release my emotions for the last ten years: writing. What I produced was not necessarily an explanation or epiphany about these emotions I have been experiencing, but I have come to realize they do not have to be. If I get out something productive that describes some aspect of my frustration , it brings me back to normal, productive thoughts, and I can become aware of my surroundings again. So, here it is. Enjoy

Not Guilty by Reason of Sanity

I just woke up in a jaded confusion
Although I watched every mistake
And noted every consequence as I went
I can only claim my consciousness repents

Pleading not guilty by reason of sanity
I have excuses for every discrepancy
A prerequisite of insanity is that you're unaware
So noting every consequence leaves me angry and scared

And wondering
Who, what, where the fuck am I

Is this god's little joke
Am I a test-tube testament
Of how useless knowledge is
Without necessary implement

Or do I create this condition in defiance
Am I a product of unconventional thought?
Concerning religion and denomination, refusing compliance
I'm not sorry and I don't believe that god is bought

I don't believe that my money reflects my power of prayer
Or that on Sunday god cares what designer name brand I wear
But I do believe that religion is a control of society's thoughts
And that I am labeled devious for thinking outside the box

The truth is our cognition is self empowering
But the weak seek a higher power for self control
I wake up jaded as I am constantly cowering
Because my knowledge is restricted to the thoughts of society
And their control