The Fortress Personality: Dungeons and Demons

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

The Fortress Personality: Dungeons and Demons

You thought I was going to type dungeons and dragons didnt you...get off my blog page you freaking dork.

ahem, now to the point. This will start to seem like a tangeant, with no direction, but i promise it connects, so please dont give up.

I was wandering around my mind the other day, trying to find a solution to a problem I have that has been affecting not only myself, but many others surrounding me. I say wandering, but I was pacing quite hastily. I'm not sure about others, as I don't share and compare what is on my mind very often for their sake, but I have opposing opinions on everything. I suppose it is because I am open-minded, and try to see everyone's point of view on everything. I view thought and personality inside the human brain as a sort of fortress. Some leave themselves exposed in the courtyard for all to see and appreciate, and are extremely proud of their attributes. Others are locked in a tower, but occasionally step out on the balcony to enjoy the exposure, then return to solitude when they see clouds move in and start to feel uncomfortable. Still others stay in the dungeon. For the majority of people this is involuntary, and they have done something, or experienced something, that keeps them in the deepest depths of the fortress that has been built by both themselves and others. More complex characters wander about, and man the fortress from every side. Even prisoners see the light of day once in a while.

Now, as I am hastily pacing the fortress halls, observing every aspect of every intricate room, I feel a sharp pain as I run face first into a gigantic wall. As I inspect the wall further, anger, rage, and confusion start to build up inside of me. What kind of moron would build such a wall in the most inconvenient place? Perfectly placed between me and the very place I need to visit to resolve the issue that is obliterating my life. Marble and granite, hatred, self pitty, and lies. A fabricated truth radiates itself from this wall. Oh hey, look, I built this. I couldnt remember what I had used to build this monster, but whatever it was, it seems it will take years to demolish enough to even climb over.

I find it somewhat peculiar how powerful our minds are. Electrical impulses and tissue joined to form an organ. I lose myself in thinking "outside the box", and I ponder the fact that our eyes force us to inevitably give everything an image. The fortress, the gods we worship, anything you can imagine, we have a face, a place, something tangible. Our minds can even block themselves from consciously showing us what thoughts are actually there. I'm sure this sounds like a simple concept to grasp, as words do not do it justice. But subjects that are now considered a science were once pawned off as simple, ordinary, no-explanation-needed everyday occurences. And there are sciences that are fairly new, as our intelligence and capabilities as humans progress.
While pondering all this, I almost forgot exactly what it was I was looking for.

Not everyone is familiar with Freudian theory on the subject of personality, but he has three aspects to a human's personality. The Id, the Ego, and the Superego. For purposes of keeping you awake, I will only explain the Id, as it brings us to my problem. The Id is the aspect of the personality that involves maturity, rather, lack thereof, instant gratification, and things of this nature. It is only concerned with what will make the person happy at this very moment. It has no concern for planning properly to implement long term hapiness or success. And I just happen to be an Idiot.

I am so hormonally driven I make stupid decisions that only please me in the moment, and later, I kick myself in the ass for it, and wonder why the hell I did that. Yes, I used the word hormone, but im not speaking only of sexual decisions; although it does fit in there somewhere. Having a good sense of right and wrong, and above average intelligence, mixed with the fact that I am an idiot, drives me to insanity, literally. I try to avoid making decisions so diligently, sometimes I wish for death, or maybe even a vegetative state. At least then, I hold no responsibility for my actions. I know this is madness, but being the smartest idiot most people know creates madness and torture inside of me. It turns the real parts of me into demons, which are cast into the dungeon of my fortress. This forces fake attributes to run about the place building walls for me to later find, and eventually, create a dungeon out of the entire place.

But our minds are so powerful, correct? I should be able to send a mental A-bomb in there and wipe the place out and start fresh. A burnt yard in the middle of ruins to plant new seed and start rebuilding to a more friendly character. But if our minds are so powerful, why wouldnt it's defenses take me out first? It has an insider's knowledge of my plans, and has armed the towers with the dungeon's slaves.